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Old 01-10-2012, 06:37 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by avoidscauliflour View Post
now I'm at the point where I don't ask her to DO anything just to see when she'll take the initiative.
Be careful, this becomes a vicious circle and no one wins.

I know what means to be codependant. I'm not arguing that couples need to do everything together - but I connect with people by sharing experiences sometimes that means sharing an abundance of time. It can also mean spending little but quality time. The way I see things were doing neither. Doesn't like to go out, constantly reschedules, dinner dates get 5 friends added to it.
I had similar issues with my husband (we're not poly). One of my love languages is "Quality Time" and that wasn't happening. We had to sit down and have a serious discussion on what that means, in detail.

Part of our problem was that I would constantly complain that he was "never home". So to him as long as he was in the house, I would be happy, even if he was glued to the computer all day, sat in front of the tv without any concern for what I might want to watch or had 3 or more people over to work on some project (but never stuff I needed done). He thought he was satisfying my request for him to be home more, when in reality he wasn't any more present than when he was physically gone and it all just pushed me further away.

It got to the point when I planned an outing, even dinner and a movie, I had to specify that it would just be the two of us (or us and the kids) or I would find myself surrounded by a group of his friends. I still resent it and still feel like I have to state out loud that I don't want him to invite others. However, by stating these preferences ahead of time, as much as I hate it, it does avoid any misunderstandings.

You need to tell your wife that you need to be able to spend quality time with her in order to feel loved and in return, to be capable of giving love back. If she is willing, schedule a weekly activity for just the two of you and alternate who gets to pick the activity.
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