Hey thanks everyone,
This is literally the first time I've been able to have an adult conversation about this. Even among my best of friends, they never really get past the “see, THIS is what happens when you sleep with other people”
Anyway - Red
Maybe you need to think about what she says and go about finding more friends and possible other partners to spend time with doing some of what you like.
A lot of what you said was stuff my S.O. said to me. I felt a strong need to reply to it. Hope none of our conflict rubs off in my language, its not my intent.
Yeah – I took her advice, literally. For me its had the opposite effect. Did guys night – totally fine. I started going out by myself (cool) – started leaving for weekends by myself (cool) – separate set of friends (ok) – started taking separate vacations (less cool) – now I'm at the point where I don't ask her to DO anything just to see when she'll take the initiative.
I know what means to be codependant. I'm not arguing that couples need to do everything together - but I connect with people by sharing experiences – sometimes that means sharing an abundance of time. It can also mean spending little – but quality – time. The way I see things – were doing neither. Doesn't like to go out, constantly reschedules, dinner dates get 5 friends added to it.
Having private time with my s.o. Isn't about shutting her out from the rest of the world. It's about creating a space where I feel space to share things that an intimate to me. I don't like opening up to people – I need privacy to accomplish that. With live with 5 other people – so the fact that this doesn’t happen by virtue of us living together AND she has no natural interest, or worse, dislikes creating that space with me is really bad.
If the effect of being more independent strengthened our relationship I would have been cool with it. But I already had a problem with how we spent our time together – and adding new people into the mix while I was out “working on me” wasn't changing anything. It was just making LESS time and doing nothing to address the quality of it. Worse – I feel like persuing a poly-lifestyle is her solution to the problem. Given that I suck at dating when I'm single, going poly is certainty not going to be my solution to it.
I have a feeling someone's going to jump on me for this next part – but this is how I see it – so hell... I've never believed that if two people do exactly what they want all the time that they'll be all the better for it. The numbers here are just to illustrate the point – not actual values I'm placing on our relationship.
The issues of fairness here are legitimate – she's free to come and go from our domestic lifestyle as she needs, she has 100% of her needs fulfilled. But I have different needs – and they’re dependent on her so maybe like 50% of mine are if she's going full 100%. I feel that we could meet somewhere in the middle so maybe I could be a little happier (85%) – is it fair of me to ask that? I don't know it depends on your perspective. I could leave – and maybe we'd both be at 65% - not great, but its better than my original 50%