The wife was encouraging me...
So I figured I'd come on here, introduce myself to some real people, and have some real discussion regarding the Polyamorous lifestyle. So hello! In truth I probably should have posted in the introductions section first, but this couldn't wait.. well, maybe it could, but instant gratification for me doesn't come fast enough.
For starts, I am male and married with a loving and wonderful wife, and two loving children. My heart, my soul, my everything couldn't ask to be more blessed then I already am. We live in the Pacific Northwest so we never need to find a reason to go snuggle up on the couch and just be, of course rainy days always have the possibility of ending with another child... but that's a story for a different forum.
So to dive right in: I have to be completely honest, The Poly way of life seems to me like it would be more natural then what western civilization has carved out as 'workable due to circumstance'. We are all human, we are flesh and blood, some of us affixed with indoor plumbing, some with outdoor, and we meet in the middle. Some of us are lucky to fall in love and be with the one that makes our hearts feel like it was bullet proof, others have a harder time searching the ranks and files until we find that 'one'. That is pretty much what happened to me. I lost my first love at a young age, that lesson in my life has done wonders to the whole 'never forget to tell people how you feel about them' trigger in my brain. But then I have to ask myself... why one?
To make matters more difficult, I am also a recovering Christian. I didn't realize until I took a good, long look at Polyamory that my programming was flawed. The truth for me is that it's retarded for me to think I could not ever be attracted to another woman as long as I live, but I have fought that part of me since I was old enough to realize what my penis was for. My wife noticed one day that I was sort of mock hitting on the waitress and started poking fun at me, to which of course I wasn't meaning to so I came down kinda hard on myself. It really bothered me that I let my subconscious mind go there. So she did what anyone who loved their mate would do. She looked me dead in the eye and told me 'It's okay if you find her attractive, it's totally normal'.
So I've come here, I'll share more of my story as we go, but I didn't want to flood you poor people out of making you read this biography. I realized a few things about me that have really come to stand out, and for which my wife has been trying to help me with. One of the biggest to come to mind the most frequent is that I am completely afraid, no, panic'd, nay, scared shitless of touching another woman. I am trying duefully to deal with this problem, and to tell you the lengths that we've tried to corrupt my program so I could re-write it. I had a half naked from the waist up woman sitting on my lap the other night... and I just sat. didn't touch. Didn't look. Ignored it completely. To further that, I had a spiritual experience with a Professional Dom, she pierced my chest several times. Here's where you might think I'm a little 'off'. I felt only the greatest respect for her. She was not an object to me, she was not a 'hot item', there was no lust, nothing impure in my head... only that this woman was able to bring me to a special and spiritual place with her actions.
My wife and I are talked once about kissing other people to see how that door would feel once we propped it open. I've had many opportunites to do so, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. and i know it's stupid because I shouldn't feel that the light of another soul would contaminate my world so much. I believe in living in balance. In order to find my balance, I must move beyond where I'm at, but I'm a little scared to do so.
I know I'm not the only person who felt apprehensive about this going into it. I'm curious to know how you got over it, maybe helped each other past your insecurities and on to the next step. I would never wish to risk what we have as a couple.
Thank you kindly, and I look forward to getting to know some of you on a personal level (if your up for it)...