Thread: Help Needed...
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:08 AM
Monochrome Monochrome is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Hello, and welcome to the forum. I'm new here myself, but I'll try to help answer your questions.

First, everything I talk about here is from my own experience. I've looked over the forum, and talked with some swinging/open/poly friends, but I haven't really "done research."

I'm a mono straight man and my wife (ThatGirlInGray) is poly with a long distance boyfriend. We have always been very open, but being poly is something we grew into over time. I think this time is important, for two reasons: first, you need to be sure of your relationship, your partner, and yourself before you can expand the relationship and bring in more people. Second, and this really ties into the first point, is that you need time to talk about things. You need time to process what you feel, and if you go too fast it can be overwhelming and you may react before you know what you are reacting to. And this adjustment works in both directions, too, so if she wants to go further than you, you may need to bring up that you aren't comfortable with something. So talk, and even more importantly, listen.

That said, I'll try to answer your questions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
All of that to say/ask these concerns/questions (in no particular order):

1) I'm worried that our sex will decrease with another dude in the picture (I know that sex should not be that 'big' of a deal...but for me it is)
I can't really speak to this. As Gray said, I have the lower libido, and we haven't had "full sex" with anyone but each other. But, what she has experienced while we have been open with our marriage has not had any impact on our sex lives.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
2) Other then long-term partner(s), what is the difference from swinging? (yes, I have read some articles but I want REAL people's response)
We haven't done any swinging, but we have had an open relationship since before we were married. Gray has "played" with people, but almost always it has been with people she considered friends first, anyway. That's just how she is. So, she has (almost) always had some sort of relationship with the person before she did anything with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by newguy View Post
3) On the poly site that I have visited, most poly-mono relationship has the man as the poly....I know that there are poly women on here so my queston is how does your mono partner handle the times when you are with your other?
As Gray said, I am introverted and time alone helps me recharge, so I don't know as this will be very applicable to you, but I'll give it a try.

My relationship with Gray is best if we're both happy (isn't there a saying about, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"?). Her previous connections were important to her, so I didn't see it as any sort of imposition to give her time to have one on one time with these others. Since her current relationship has become more serious, the time with ThatGuyInBlack is even more important to her, so I am even more inclined to let her have time with him. We make sure to have our own alone time, and she is careful to talk with me about time and sometimes scheduling time with him or with me if need be. This comes back to what I said above about talking. Talk with your partner if you think you need more time together, and better yet, schedule the time and make dates. Gray is already great at this, so I have it pretty easy on the date night front.

Gray's relationship with TGIB is long distance at the moment. He is planning on moving out here pretty soon, so I know that the dynamic will change when he is actually here, so there will be a change in exactly when and how they can spend time together. But this is something we will all talk over and hash out. Again, the key is talking with each other.
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