View Single Post
Old 01-09-2012, 08:18 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62

But have you talked with him? Is this a "always and forever" thing or just a "while we both get used to you" thing. You said you know that his wife was okay with the first alone date but have you ever talked with her about it?

I actually met my friend J. and his wife in person last spring, after several months of IM friendship with just J. I brought my husband along that first time because I am not comfortable with meeting a couple on my own. I've done it but do not like the power imbalance in those situations one bit. All four of us got along well. We continued to socialize as couples. J. was deliberately not dating at that point anyway because of a lot of family obligations, his situation was "let's be friends now and maybe someday that can change." I was fine with that, especially since I was pursuing another relationship that I found extremely compelling.

J. knew these things about me up front:

1. I was absolutely not going to go out on dates with just J. and his wife, and if he wanted to bring his spouse, I was going to bring mine too.
2. I was absolutely closed to the possibility of having sex with a man and another woman. I WAS open to foursomes with my husband and another couple in the context of a poly quad relationship, although since J's wife is supposedly not interested in partners for herself at present, I considered that option just theoretical (at least where J. and his wife were concerned).

We did NOT discuss how we would proceed otherwise, since, if a three-person relationship was not on the table (and it emphatically was not), I assumed (I think reasonably) that the default would be me dating him on my own, at least most of the time.

In early November, J. told me that his life had changed enough so that he and his wife both felt really good about him pursuing a relationship with me. He and I went out on a one on one date. It was literally the first time we'd ever been alone together, and it went well. Then J. asked me out on a second date, and I happily accepted. A day later, J. told me that his wife wanted to come along too, so I shrugged and invited my husband. The four of us had our usual good time together. Several weeks later, J. and I got together at a local cafe one on one to talk about something that hadn't gone well in our communication. To my surprise, he invited me back to his house that night, saying that his wife was away (I had not been told that beforehand). As it turned out, he also wanted to have sex that night. (We'd previously done nothing more than kiss.) I told him that I wasn't nearly ready to get sexual with him, since it was only the second time we'd ever been alone together, and we limited ourselves to kissing and clothed cuddling.

I would have thought me saying "I'm not ready to sleep with you yet because we haven't spent enough alone time together" would have inspired J. to make it possible for us to spend alone time together. Instead, a week later, he asked me out on what I thought was a one on one date, then told me 45 minutes prior to it that his wife (who was supposed to be sick that day) was coming too! I was extremely irritated, considered not going at all, scrambled to call my husband and see if he could get there as well, and then, J. and his wife canceled at the last minute anyway (she didn't have a valid photo ID with her to get into the pub we were supposed to meet at). It was the last straw, and I have told him that we need to be just friends now.

J. is now saying "Oh, maybe we DO want a quad, my wife is suddenly interested in your husband." I threw my hands up and told my sweet husband to have a great time dating J's wife if he wanted to, but that a quad does not feel right to me anymore.

That's where we are at the moment.

Last edited by gwendolenthefair; 01-09-2012 at 08:43 PM.
Reply With Quote