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Old 01-09-2012, 02:36 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62
Default Weird relationship model?

I just got into some difficulties with a good friend who would like to be more to me. My husband and I are friends with both my friend and his wife. The problem came about when the man started to want more from me than friendship. I like him a lot and there was definitely a spark, but it turns out that he and I had very different expectations about how we would pursue our relationship, and some frustration and hurt feelings arose out of this. After one rather nice one-on-one date with him (which I know his wife expressly told him to arrange,) he kept doing stuff like inviting me out on what I thought was a date for just us, and then, all of a sudden, his wife was coming too. So I'd invite my husband, and my romantic relationship with my friend did not proceed, as I saw it. This grew very frustrating over time, especially because my friend acted like we were dating, and I did not see it that way at all, since I wasn't getting any alone time with him to speak of.

I just found out some details that illuminated why he was behaving as he was. In his previous "poly" relationships outside his marriage, he and his (heterosexual) wife had only gotten involved with women who were already close friends of hers, and his wife was ALWAYS along, whether they were hanging out, going places, or having sex. Both my friend and his wife seem to think that he was having serious relationships with these women, not friendships with benefits. I don't see how, if the other women never had alone time with the husband.

Overall, I find dating as a couple reasonable if the situation is a quad or a triad, but it does not compute to me if the situation is a vee.

Has anyone else encountered this, a couple who dates a third person as a couple even though the potential relationship is a vee, not a triad? That's all we could ever be, I am very straight, and I was told that his wife is too. I'm not talking about having some hangout time with the wife, I'm talking about her being there just about all the time.

I have told my friend that I don't do romantic relationships this way, that it's totally unacceptable to me. I am 95 percent sure I only want friendship from him now, it feels like he's killed whatever might have been special between us. I am curious about what others would think about this though. Has anyone else encountered people like this?
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