Thread: Help Needed...
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Old 01-09-2012, 07:33 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Hello and welcome.

Originally Posted by newguy View Post
So, my fiance' just hit me with, "I want to be poly"...but only after, "I want you to be poly".

So, when she tells me about the extra girl...I asked her then if she wanted the same...she said "no" me, dream come I know I'll have enough sex...

Yesterday, she started with, "I need you to do something for me...get into a relationship" not just sex, but a relationship...later, after several hours of discussions...i find out what the real deal is and I'm not with it at all!!!
This is such a strange phenomena, am I wrong or is this pattern showing up more often than before? It won't help any of you if the other does something like 'being in a relationship' for the partner. Relationships are about the persons that are involved in the respective one, not about outside persons that want to gain something from them. That is just wrong and will hardly work for you or her. If she wants to be poly : fine. If you want to be poly: fine. If you want to do some swinging or recreational sex: fine. But don't dictate what the other should want/do in this regard. It won't help and everything will start off on the wrong side of things.

Originally Posted by newguy View Post
But, here I am trying to rap my head around this...but I have been raised Mono (with hidden sides) but I love her and our I must at least look into this thing before I make a major (life changing) decision.
Well, most of us have been from a more monogamous upbringing and background. I have had a really hard time wrapping my head around the concept and possibilities that are out there when poly kind of 'happened' to me. If you love honesty and openness, a great time will follow this initial talk. My husband, my friend and I gained so much from all the brutally honest discussions when we started, it brought us closer together and helped us see who the other really is. My husband showed sides of himself that I hardly knew of, it was really a strange time in our relationship, but for us it was such a positive experience.

Take your time thinking over what you want in life and from the relationship you have got with your wife. This is entirely up to you, what you are OK with, what you want for yourself and how you may can achieve this together.

Originally Posted by newguy View Post
1) I'm worried that our sex will decrease with another dude in the picture (I know that sex should not be that 'big' of a deal...but for me it is)
Well, to be honest: this will depend on the frequency you have now. In our case we reached nearly the same as before after a rough time when it went down for my husband because I had to adjust to the situation. When my boyfriend moved in, he had to suffer a certain loss of sex, because my sex drive is a bit lower than that of my husband or boyfriend. And I was too stressed to get into the mood sometimes as well. But I have to say that it increased as well over time. Now it is on a level, where I can satisfy the needs of both men without having to decline too often.

But this really depends on the persons involved. If you have sex on a daily basis, you could suffer a bit I think. Because that is no longer a problem of want, but a problem of time mostly.

Originally Posted by newguy View Post
2) Other then long-term partner(s), what is the difference from swinging? (yes, I have read some articles but I want REAL people's response)
The most obvious thing first: involvement. Partners from swinging can be good friends at most; you may even form a relationship-like bond with them. But what your girlfriend seem to talk about are long-term relationships. And relationships come with some level of personal involvement on an everyday basis. A poly relationship isn't purely about sex, it's about spending time together outside the bedroom, maybe shopping, cultural activities, sharing some personal space, getting to know different sides, what ever you think can be interesting in new relationships. Just think about in from a mono point of view: Why do you need to be in a relationship with someone? Why isn't it enough to have sex from time to time? That's what relationships are still about in a poly arrangement.

Originally Posted by newguy View Post
3) On the poly site that I have visited, most poly-mono relationship has the man as the poly....I know that there are poly women on here so my question is how does your mono partner handle the times when you are with your other?
Yep, poly women with two monos speaking here The best arrangement for us was to move my boyfriend in. This worked so well that most of it developed naturally. But, that is unlikely to work in your situation, I think. My husband and boyfriend knew each other for years, my husband knew that there was some kind of special bond between my boyfriend and I, my husband has been really open minded in regard to the topic and has not that much problem with the physical side of things. The main question my boyfriend had to consider: Am I able to share a girlfriend in a live-in arrangement with her husband being present? Serious stuff, I know. We discovered some difficulties with personal time already, I wrote about that in my blog on this side (see signature). But those are maybe a bit different from the ones you are likely to discover because we are a live-in vee.

The only general statement I can give in regard to that topic: they handle it much better now than in the beginning. Time helps tremendously, you get used to this, it even becomes kind of natural. And what helps as well: if you take to the person you are sharing the time your wife/girlfriend has got on her hands with. It's hard if you don't have some kind of personal relationship with the new person as well. We call that metamour relationship.

For some it helps to concentrate more on themselves. You maybe will come along the term 'making yourself your primary', this is about cultivating own interests, hobbies and such, caring for your needs and having a good time on your own. Practising self-love. The difference in poly is the lower possible level of codependency. It's quite common in monogamous relationships, but this will hardly work in a poly one.

Oh dear, there I go, writing whole novels as an answer Sorry for the wall of text, I hope it helps somehow.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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