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Old 01-09-2012, 07:18 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
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Date with Leo this week. That usually puts me in a tail spin. I guess I will see what comes up. I am in kind of a "fuck it" mood these days. I don't feel like processing or "considering" any one but my self. That is dangerous place to be when there is a very constricted relationship to consider. I kind of just want to end it at this point.... I know, I do this every week before our date and then see him and am all gooshy again. Okay, I will shut up and do the whole process over again.

We had our women's group meet up today and as usual I was blown away and filled with love and gratitude for the ladies. That group fills such a huge need for me. I am so honoured to host it.

I'm looking forward to the women's retreat that I am hosting at the end of February. It turns out that about 14 women are going and still more have said they would like to. There is no agenda except to walk on beaches, drink and eat a lot, talk and laugh and get to know some new women. Just what I need.

I decided to take a couple of months off of doing burlesque. Next show is the end of March. I have been going hard for a year now and need a break. Besides, I am getting lasik eye surgery soon and am not convinced that I will have eyes that work.

Yesterday Mono took me on a really lovely date to a Japanese restaurant (where I saw Imaginary's ex) to eat sushi and have a chat. Then we went to a movie and then home early for some lovin'. It was a great night of closeness and remembering where we came from and how we got here. He gave me a sentimental card that I cherish and I looked at him all night with such happiness at our being together.

This week was the poly dinner I host. It was a quiet group of introverts that showed up so I did a lot of talking I felt. At least at my end of the table anyway. It was great to start a new year out with friends. I haven't been feeling very sociable, but the whole experience reminded me that I love being in the presence of great poly people.

PN and I have been talking about how our relationship is doing fine, but not in terms of the monogamy we used to have. He is totally off on his own course and loving it. I am off on mine. I love him and we get along well, but I don't fill his needs for closeness, sex and companionship. I know that and I feel bad about that. I apologized to him as a result, but I don't really know what to do with it. I wish he'd go out and find himself another partner at this point. We always have done better when he is looking or engaged in a relationship with someone else. Even if some of them have been hard to deal with, it is better for us. He has lost his mojo somehow and in my present mood I am having a hard time kicking him in the butt as I usually do. We are good together that way. In the "kicking each others butt" way.

I'm looking forward to reading Derby's tarot soon and having a date night movie night at my house. I have read Mono, PN, my ex wife's cards and would like to do hers next. I got a new deck this Christmas and it got me right back in it again. I should do mine too at some point.

Derby is super cute in her new glasses and hair growing in. Just sayin' She also cooks good dumplings and is a bit of a one herself.... heh. *poke *tease.
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