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Old 01-08-2012, 08:24 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192

Just from what you've written, it doesn't sound like poly is the core problem. You seem to be experiencing problems in your primary relationship in terms of your connection with your partner and the number of arenas you connect deeply on.

Here the question is what were the things that brought you together? What were you doing when you bonded initially? Are those activities still of interest to both of you? If that's not enough, it might make sense to ask if you can work to develop areas of mutual interest. Take some time and talk it through. I'm not sure it's useful to say, I enjoy X and we should hang out doing X even if you have no particular interest.

You need to mine the seams of adjacent or overlapping interests instead.

The challenges you express in engaging in poly relationships on your behalf sound to me like challenges in meeting, dating, or courting women. These challenges will persist when you're dating and single. You'll have the benefit, however, of not having to explain the poly thing.

Dating and compatibility are complex. If you take it too personally when someone is not interested or loses interest in you, it easily batters your self-esteem. I give the same advice over and over. Don't meet women with the sole intention of finding a date or relationship. Meet and engage with the intention of finding new friends. Interest and dates will flow from this in unexpected ways.

For me, it allows me to relax and stop thinking about me and if I'm doing this or that right or whether she likes me or whatever insecure thought is likely to be in my head. I can then focus on enjoying myself, being truly interested in the other person in a more than superficial way, and have fun doing things I enjoy.

You truly may be mono. I just don't see in your description any of those hallmarks... like not feeling interested in a partner who's interested in you because you can't seem to find that emotional hook (like you've got one parking space for love, it's compact and filled up by an Escalade...).

Whether you're mono or poly, taking a different approach to dating can be helpful for men who aren't hyper-aggressive - not matching the cultural norm.
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“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 01-09-2012 at 07:35 AM. Reason: typos
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