I see what I'm doing now... I can't run seeking a relationship with a woman when 98% of me is fixed on men. It's not fair to me or her to embrace this 2% because it's the only thing my current relationship will allow. And I can't talk him into polyamory so he'll understand me better because he's just not into such a lifestyle. I'm so stupid/desperate.
So, I either sacrifice myself and live monogamously or I end up with nothing.