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Old 01-07-2012, 07:06 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

I may be lost, but I'm horribly confused by a few things.

Originally Posted by PolyKat View Post
I talked to my fiance just moments ago and told him that on my road to self discovery, it would help if he found a girlfriend.
I'm unsure how someone else having more or less or different partners has ANYTHING to do with your own self discovery. For me, self discovery of being bi of being poly did involve major discussions with my spouse and affected our marriage, but it was about me. About what I wanted. More people in my life. I'm just lost how you would get help in 'self discovery' by someone else getting a date.

He wasn't comfortable with the idea, but was willing to give it a try. Questions and Answers later, he found himself at the, "at some point, are you going to want to 'connect' with someone too?" and then shut the whole thing down because the thought of me with another man sickens him. I told him that would be a non-issue for now, and we would go at his pace and just start with him having other relationships.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I spent WAAY too much time on certain poly/mono like lists where people were not really ethical but claiming to be. This seems to look like a case of "Honey you become poly first so you can enjoy it then I can tell you I want to date other people and now you can't be upset 'cause I let you date other people!" If the point is that YOU want to be poly then you work on that. Not making someone else poly first. It's not a science kit, it's a relationship.

We're going to talk later, and I don't know if it will be the beginning of a new experience, a standstill, or the end of our relationship. I'm not trying to push him into letting me do anything. At this point, I want him to understand my feelings towards monogamy and maybe experience polygamy for himself so he can see that when falling in love, it doesn't have to be limited to two people.
See above. My husband and my boyfriend are both mono. They understand falling in love not being just two people because they are both in love with me and I am in love with both of them. I have told them they are of course welcome to have other relationships (sticking to the open communication and honesty thing we worked hard at), even that I'd kind of find it hot, but it's not required and I don't ask them to.

In the meantime, I'll consider becoming bisexual because he's not threatened by anyone without a penis. I don't dislike women, I'm just afraid of vaginas.. I wouldn't know what to do if faced with one (Pun Intended!)

I don't get this thing where women think they can 'become' bisexual. If you're curious fine, but it's not something you do like a party trick! Some people just know they are bi, or pan or whatever you call yourself. Some of us struggle with it. It's kind of off putting, personally, to hear someone say they are just going to try and become it for someone else. It's like saying you are going to decide to 'try' and become another race or something. If it's something you want to explore, say you are bi curious, but dont' say you are going to 'become' bi because of a OPP. That's heartbreak for someone just waiting to happen.

I would be DEVASTATED to begin dating a woman and find out she's not bi, not even bi curious, but just doing it for a boyfriend.

Any advice on how the follow-up conversation should go? No, he won't read any books or articles. He'd prefer I just talk to him and he'll just.... who knows....

Yes, tell him YOU are interested in becoming poly. Not him. That you aren't interested in women, you are interested in relationships with other men. Tell him that it's not a pressing need but one of those things where you just want the freedom to be able to pursue a deeper connection with someone should it come up. Offer to read Opening Up or other wonderful books that have been suggested TO him. It can be in a relaxed setting. I like doing it in bed together where we are relaxed and can discuss things as they are read.

DON'T, try and make him poly so you can be. DON'T try to change your sexuality so you can make him comfortable with you being with someone else that you don't even want to be with on a personal level just to fill this need for more people in your life. Both are ranging from slightly to definitely manipulative and a bad start to trying to be ethically non monogamous.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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