Originally Posted by polymusing
But I shook the foundation of my husband's world and I'm not sure what the new structure will look like when we rebuild.
He said he wants this other man out of his life. He did not say out of mine (he understands our relationship is so long-standing that if he did that, it might mean the end of all relationships).
Though the one (the one I've called my lover here even though he's not really) is backing away from me, since he's been on both sides and remembers how he felt.
There are times when I feel like I've screwed up so many lives here in such a short period of time, that I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I'm still functioning and handling day to day stuff, so I guess I'm not that bad off.
I just wish I had thought about this some more.
Ugh. Yes, I've been here. Right in this spot. 24 year marriage. 9 month relationship with a man we both loved (not sexual) Husband's world tumbling... Ugh. The stress was enormous, so big big big hugs. But, listen, sweetie. You haven't screwed up lives. Not yet. PM me if you want, because this situation is well over for me and I don't want to describe it at length, but... if lover is backing away, let him go. Really. If someone wants out, you might be able to hold him, but, eventually.... Let him back out or distance or whatever and the husband can regroup. You can deal with the husband and the problems you have with him in a much less volatile situation. Whatever happens with the marriage will be infinitely less difficult with a safer place to deal with it.
If the lover really wants it, he'll come back. If he doesn't, you've learned extremely important things about what you want and what the relationship with your husband is really like.
I know you probably won't be able to do this, but there it is. BIGGEST HUG EVER.