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Old 11-12-2009, 09:37 PM
polymusing polymusing is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England
Posts: 18

I have swung from regretting that I ever even let my private thoughts out into the world (by telling both men that I loved both of them) to wishing I'd moved at a slower pace - glacial perhaps? (even though it would have meant pretending I didn't feel what I felt) to thinking maybe this might work out okay in the end (maybe not how I want it to end, but okay).

The thing that hurts the most is the realization that's come in my discussions with my husband (because we are talking - I'll say that much) is that what I'd thought was a strong, good relationship, obviously had problems. We were married long enough to fall into behavior ruts that were not good. But since we weren't "unhappy" with each other, we didn't see it. This has maybe bumped us out of our rut. Which may be a good thing. But I shook the foundation of my husband's world and I'm not sure what the new structure will look like when we rebuild.

He said he wants this other man out of his life. He did not say out of mine (he understands our relationship is so long-standing that if he did that, it might mean the end of all relationships).

So, why am I still writing here? Because I still love both of them. I cannot choose one over the other. Though the one (the one I've called my lover here even though he's not really) is backing away from me, since he's been on both sides and remembers how he felt.

There are times when I feel like I've screwed up so many lives here in such a short period of time, that I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I'm still functioning and handling day to day stuff, so I guess I'm not that bad off.

I just wish I had thought about this some more.
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