...I'm the husband, for reference
My wife and I have been married coming up on 3 years now. We got married when I was 23, she 20. We have a 2 year old daughter now. Life has been intense in the last few years (suicide in the family, 2 miscarraiges, and another pregnancy that we had to terminate or my wife would die). Those things have drawn us closer as a couple, from an emotionally bonded side.
Over the last couple of years my wife has gotten to know another woman on an online forum - the other woman is a dula and helped my wife through both miscarraiges and the other pregnancy that didn't go well. I'm forever indebited to her for that. So, when my wife came to me about 6 months ago and said that she wanted to start into a poly relationship with her friend, my answer was "what's poly"?
We talked it over, and because I was comfortable with this person and felt a fairly close bond to her myself, I said OK, go for it. Still didn't really know what it meant, but willing to learn...and the way I figure it, the more love there is in the world, the better life is. And, being new to poly, I'm looking for those feelings in myself and am maybe finding them (I grew up Catholic, so I have a hard shell to break out of).
So, my wife asked me if it was OK with me if she were to date another guy. I said I wasn't really comfortable with it and to give me time. She went to a friend's wedding (I wasn't there) and she admitted that she was making out with a guy. He was "handsy" and wanted more but she wouldn't let him. The guy now wants to come visit (he lives half a continent away, so he'd be flying). My wife talked me through it and convinced me to be OK with it. Now that I'm taking still more time to think about it, I'm less and less comfortable with it.
The two relationships (the girl and the guy) are polar opposites - with the girl, she was totally up front, we talked on the phone about it, made sure we were all OK, and she's a good friend of mine now too. The guy doesn't want to talk to me (that I know of), I had to friend him on Facebook to try to learn more about and open a line of communication, and my wife finds it weird that I'd want to get to know him.
So...I guess what I'm looking for is commentary on the way the two relationships are being handled. I want to support my wife in any way I can, I don't want her to have to hide who she is...but at the same time, I'm hurt with the way it's being handled with the guy, and it feels to me like it's not polyamory with him, but that my wife just wants to sleep with a different guy for the weekend.
...I'm just confused. Oh, and I started a new job that's about 60 hours a week of work plus 80% travel, so I'm pretty brain fried right now. Hard to be coherant. I love my wife and want to support her, but I just don't know what to say about this. Thanks in advance anyone.