Woman has suggested polyamory to my husband
Hi, I've been browsing here for a few days, trying to understand, trying to learn, but cannot reconcile how I feel.
I'm not polyamorous (though I totally respect other peoples choices and lifestyles). As I said I've read this forum, and others, and although I 'accept' that I may have been 'hardwired', the truth is I am happy this way.
I'm married to a (I'd always believed & been told by him), a monogamous man. He'd been cheated by his previous wife, and claimed to even hate the FFM threesomes they'd had. This is my first marriage.
We had 4 children between us, one grown son each, and we had two very young children, one of whom died very recently.
My husband has met a woman he's become friendly with. We went out for dinner with her & her BF. I found out that night, that he was married, but knew he was dating her. At the end of the evening, the man went home, and the woman came to our house for a drink.
When she was here she suggested a game of strip poker. DH was drunk & played along, whereas I sat there not saying anything, but getting very angry, and uncomfortable. She then suggested a threesome, and her & DH tried to talk me into it. I got my coat & stormed out in tears... DH came to get me & said I was over-reacting. The woman was very sarcastic to me, and made me out to be a prude. She's very intimidating & I'm very, very shy & unassertive. I felt threatened, disrespected - even unsafe, in my own home, and angry that DH didn't stick up for me.
A few days later the woman came round again (though I'd told DH that I didn't feel comfortable with him pursuing a friendship with her). She sat down & talked to me with DH. She told me that she'd explained the concept of polyamory with him, and that he was interested.
I was floored by this, had never heard of it, and lots of questions.
She explained a lot of what is on this site, but when she started talking about how love isn't finite, and used how the love for existing children isn't diminished by the birth of a new one, I got angry - whilst that it is true, it is still *changed*. When our youngest child died, a part of us died too, and the way I related to my surviving child was different - especially to our toddler, I had been close to her, but was very distant from her, and still am in a way.
She explained how my DH was probably always polyamorous, and that she'd explained to him that it was normal. I told her that as far as I was concerned he could divorce me then, she told me how selfish I am. That I cannot control or possess my DH, and that I'm emotionally stunted.
We've only just been offered bereavement counselling, and she wants to come to, and DH supports her. The reason being that she wants to 'support' him. I feel this is totally unacceptable - this is *our* loss -nothing whatsoever to do with her, even if he *does* pursue a relationship with her. It is also very personal & intimate between us - we conceived our child - it should be us - and us alone - that goes to counselling. I feel that her going there is just opening him up to emotional intimacy with her, and I don't even want him sharing in private, his feelings about our loss, that should be preserved for us. I feel as if she is preying on an emotionally vulnerable man, and in trying to share our grief, she is building an emotional bond with him.
I feel distraught right now. My husband & I have an emotional bond that this woman (or any other woman) can NEVER share - we lost a child, and unless he loses a child with this woman, then she can never share the intensity of our emotional life.
She has also said that she may like a child with my husband in the future.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to open up our marriage - period. If DH wants to he should first have the balls to leave me, then do what he will, not try to get me to change the parameters of our marriage.
I also feel that this woman is far too pushy. I don't like her, DH sides with her instead of me, and I don't want him to even stay friends with her - not with someone who knows she has the upperhand with my own husband.
I don't know what I'm looking for coming here, just some advice really - I'm so upset and distraught