Hey, I'm sorry you're hurting.
I see posting here as very similar to writing in a diary. We're all anonymous strangers... we can provide some guidance and feedback, but in the end posters are generally just trying to get their thoughts and feelings together. Would you have been upset if she had written about difficult feelings in her diary without telling you? If not, why be upset about this? You will never meet us, we may as well be chatbots programmed to respond to keywords with stock phrases like "stay flexible in your expectations" and "reconsider your one penis policy."
You say you're angry that you had to read about this here, and upset that she wonders what you and your husband talk about when she's not around. My take on that is that the reason she didn't share that with you directly is because she knew it was irrational and unfair, so she wanted to deal with it on her own. I have all sorts of messed up and irrational fears sometimes. Seeking a safe space to release them so that I don't dump the patently sillier ones on my partners seems to me like the loving thing to do. Try to see it that way, and not as an attack. Her working on her feelings means she is actively trying to deal with her issues and become capable of a better relationship with you guys and that's good, right?
"I have tried so hard to make her comfortable throughout this whole process. I have done this at all costs to me and what I have needed." Now this is a big problem. If you're not taking care of your own needs, if you're crying out on the inside and becoming resentful, how can you expect to have strong, healthy relationships with the others in your life? I would advise you to stop stuffing down your own emotions and needs for the sake of keeping things on an even keel. Be honest even when it's hard, ask for what you need even if it will hurt someone... ask with all the consideration, respect, and caring you can, but give your loves a chance to take care of you.
I wonder, as an exercise, in a few sentences each, can you tell us what your needs are in this situation, what your vision is for the future, what makes you jealous or is hard for you (specifics), and what you want from each of your partners? Feel free to ignore this bit of course, you're not in class, but I think it could help to make things clearer.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 01-05-2012 at 05:56 AM.