Originally Posted by km34
The thing that stuck out to me the most about your boyfriends, though, is that you keep repeating that men you are physically attracted to tend to have some sort of deficiency (alcoholism, homosexuality - in itself not bad, but not really healthy for you to focus your love on, etc). Is the physical aspect (which is what immediately grabs your attention even if it isn't the entire basis) of that potential relationship really worth the emotional pain that you can pretty much be guaranteed is following? Wouldn't it be better to pursue someone that you may not feel as passionately towards in the beginning but who would make a great partner? Granted, if the passion doesn't follow suit it probably isn't good in the long term, but isn't it possible to work up to the point where you can't keep your hands of one another instead of going for that person who makes you feel like that immediately but is also going to be neglectful or inconsiderate? Just what went through my head. It may have no actual importance in your situation.
First, thanks for reading (I know it was long), thanks for liking the concept, and many thanks for the luck.
That's worth noting, and I do. Considering that most of my life has been long, serial monogamy, I have lived a lot and dated a lot. A LOT. I am totally surprised, continuously, at the range of people I find attractive.
I am so very not-butch. But I have tiny moments. I had a huge crush on a boss of mine, I didn't really want (ever) a deep meaningful relationship; but she inspired in me a lust that made want to throw her on a bed and pleasure her. I loved a very lovely man who was none of those things above, shorter than I, and shaven headed (which I had not been previously attracted to, but now makes me swoon), and very, very Jewish. Which turned out to be a lot of why we weren't long-term compatible (also a five year old). My first girlfriend was not an alcoholic, might have been a gamer had there been something more exciting than pong at the time, and is now a man. I went through a 'born-again virgin' phase, where I wasn't going to have sex quickly ~ met a lovely man (who I think remains pissed to this day that I didn't).
I could be a sex & love addict, I have identified as that in the past. I really do believe I could fall in love with, and have sex with, almost anyone. I have preferences, but I have seen them all go out the window. Current bf, I was not only not attracted to, but slightly repulsed by, when we first became friends. And we were friends for a very long time. It seemed like when my ovaries finally lit up, I had waited quite long enough. But, prolly not, especially in hindsight.
I definitely learn from all of it. Sometimes I forget that I have learned. And I have the pit of despair, which is, I think, what happened to me three days ago. Fortunately, I remember faster now, and get back to actually doing the loving things. And I have good people around me elsewhere, who remind me also. that I'm loved, that I'm good, that I deserve all good things.
I kinda hate the way I write (and this is what I want). I hope I'll get better.
In a more practical response (to km34s excellent question), when current bf moved out, I dragged my feet about getting an online profile etc. Finally did it, and had some initial attention, but now, not so much. I have a wild profile. I'm thinking maybe I should change it to a standard one and see if I get more not-so-wild people.