Okay, I read her thread, which I really hadn't before, and I have to say I think you have personalized her issues way too much and are overreacting.
In that thread, it is clear to me that PolyFiTri is not complaining nor unhappy about anything you and your husband are doing. She is not saying she wants anything to change. Nor is she saying that she wants to assert herself into any position which would set you aside in any way. She is simply wrestling with her personal demons, which we all have no matter how happy a situation we find ourselves in, and sees her relationships with you two as something wonderful, and a valuable learning experience. She clearly loves you both and feels a deep appreciation for what she has with you, and is perplexed by her own insecurities:
Originally Posted by PolyFiTri
I, fortunately, am not a secondary or thought of in that sense. Our triad, we have learned, is special in that it is as close to equilateral as one can get. We share pretty much everything, a home, child rearing, finances, etc... We make sure we have time together, as well as alone and in couples. We work and flow together much like any normal mono relationship would. We don't have set limits or boundaries. We talk about everything, and do not keep secrets. We consider each of us to be a spouse. We really do have quite a wonderful and amazing relationship. I have never loved or felt this loved by anyone. My love for them both continues to grow more each day.
I know where the feelings are coming from, but I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble working past them. Any ideas and/or advice would be much appreciated.
Even though PolyFiTri starts off that thread saying she feels jealousy, it's obvious to me that it is actually envy about the closeness you have with your husband, which makes sense since she is going through a divorce, and to say that is very tough is a huge understatement. Even though she feels close to both of you, she is grieving. I can say, based on my experience struggling with my own divorce, no one can truly know how devastating a mindfuck divorce can be until you experience it yourself. It is a loss, full of pain, grief, and conflicting emotions, and that grief is a confusing rollercoaster. In a book I have called "Crazy Time," about recovering from divorce, the author says that most mental health professionals agree that it generally takes two years for a person to process it and get past all the intensely difficult feelings divorce brings up. It shatters self-esteem and makes one question everything. For me, the first year felt like the bottom had dropped out, and I was dangling there alone, even though I had many loving people in my life. Just to give you some perspective.
I would think that you would have taken comfort in PolyFiTri's last post in that thread where she realized it was envy:
Originally Posted by PolyFiTri
After talking with dh and doing some reading, I have come to realize I'm dealing with a lot of envy here, some jealousy, a little insecurity and some anger. The anger is not directly related to or caused by either of my partners. I am feeling more envy than anything else.
Now I do feel better because I understand what I am feeling and can take steps to deal with it.
So, countrygirl, my question for you is why did you react the way you did? This was her own personal, emotional journey, not an indictment against you or your husband. Yet you felt the "ship was sinking" and you were "drowning." Why so sensitive? Here are a few more questions to get you pondering... Do you feel accused of something? Or unappreciated in some way, even if it's at work or someplace else in your life so that it's affecting you here? Do you think that her having this inner struggle reflects poorly on all the work you have done? I also wonder what made you think she wanted to usurp you in some way and that you could "no longer express my love or adoration for my husband in front of her."
I find it interesting (and alarming) that you say you wanted from the start for her to be an equal partner and yet you resent her when you thought she wanted the same emotional closeness you "built over four years" with your husband. What was it that made you feel so defensive about the first few years of your relationship with your husband? Are you unwilling to face the very real possibility that in time she could truly be an equal with the same status in your husband's heart as you (each in your own unique way)? Because after a long time together the first four years you had as a headstart with him will be a small blip. So do you really want her as an equal or not? Is equal partnership threatening to you somehow?