Hi there and welcome.
First of all, keep in mind that nothing you do or say "makes her feel bad." And nothing she feels or says can "make you" feel like a bad person. Each of you are responsible for your own feelings, both of which could simply be stemming from your unique perspectives on things. And while she has every right to feel whatever her feelings are, which are valid for her, that does not necessarily mean that she is clearly seeing the truth of the situation. However, it is her truth and she needs to honor that truth in order for her to come to terms with it. But your perspective is equally as valid. And just because she feels the way she does about the relationships she has with you does not mean you have to change your behavior with your husband when she is there. Nor does anyone's feelings, of hurt or upset or anger or whatever, mean the ship is sinking!
Now, I don't know who you or what thread you're referring to, and I may have given her advice or feedback, but would you mind telling us which thread that is (give a link)? That would be helpful for everyone all around in trying to offer feedback and/or suggestions.
I will say a few things just based only on your post now.
She may have needed a place to get stuff off her chest and work things out -- so she came here. Maybe she needed to hash things out with people who understand poly before she came to you and your hubs to talk about whatever is bothering her. Perhaps she just couldn't wait because it was bothering her so much. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Sometimes we are plagued with thoughts we know do not reflect reality but we can't be rid of them without a sounding board of some sort, to be able to see them in more light, so to speak. Or perhaps it is a real problem that neither of you has been able to talk about in any way that resolves it, so she is left to stew about it.
Of course, she might have done better to share with you first, or to show you the thread to get you taking part in it. But it sounds like all the "hours upon hours of talking" is frustrating for you. You state that it's been difficult but you tried, but perhaps your frustration puts a kind of barrier up so that what she really needs to express and what you all need to resolve doesn't really get heard -- I don't know, that's just a possibility. One guess -- it sounds to me like perhaps she has not clearly voiced her needs, and you have been bending over backward to try and accommodate what you think she needs - but there's still some dissatisfaction on her part. And maybe you have not expressed what you need, in deference to her situation at home, not wanting to rock the boat with all she's going through, etc. It sounds like you have neglected yourself somewhat, to be accommodating.
Does any of that ring true for you?
Independent solo polyamorist seeking lover-friends willing to invest in friendship, companionship, and love, but without a need for partnership.
Never confuse commitment with exclusivity, love with ownership, nor sex with intimacy!
For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.
~ Carl Sagan
Last edited by nycindie; 01-05-2012 at 02:18 AM.