Well, I am out of options...
Hello All. I am seeking help, advise, I don't know what, before I lose my mind. I feel no matter which way I turn, there is no way out, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
My husband and I are in a "triad" with a lady we met seven months ago. She was married at the time, and all four of us were contemplating living together with our children as one big happy family. So that I don't get off track, they are now in the middle of a divorce for a variety of reasons, least of all was my husband and I.
First of all, ours is not the "standard" triad, if there is even such a thing. My husband and I live in a different state, with our son. Our "wife" lives a state away, and only gets to visit every other week because of custody arrangements with her ex-husband. The weeks that she doesn't have her son, she most of the time comes to the home we were building together because it gives her calm and inner peace to be here. I cannot blame her for that.
We all talk frequently and we all make a very concerted effort to make sure that no one is left out of anything, which has been very difficult for me. But for the sake of making this work, I have tried.
Now, my problem. She is a frequent visitor to this site as well. She recently posted about her being jealous/envious/etc. of my time with my husband. I can understand that to a degree. We have no control of my husband's work schedule or when he gets to come home most of the time. Therefore, there are times that my husband and I get to spend time together when she cannot be here or is not here.
When we decided to start this, it was my idea. It was also my idea that we all be on equal footing, i.e., husband, wife, wife. I will admit that this whole thing was not well thought out. We all knew there would be situations and issues to over come and get through, but at this point, there seems to be no happy medium.
No matter what happens, someone's feelings get hurt, then that is followed by hours upon hours of talking. I understand what the "wife" is currently going through with the separation from her son, and I have tried so hard to make her comfortable throughout this whole process. I have done this at all costs to me and what I have needed.
I read responses to her post that says she needs affirmation before we spend time together. Others have said that she is dealing well with the situation. Another even offered advise that she feels the way she does because of societal beliefs. I can understand each of the responses posted. However, I feel really angry that I had to read it on a "blog" on a website rather than her waiting until we could all sit down and talk. I feel angry that I am made to feel like a bad person because I get to spend time with the man I am legally married to and have spent the last 4 years of our life building together. I am angry that I am made to feel like I can no longer express my love or adoration for my husband in front of her because it makes her feel bad. But I am supposed to be totally understanding when he shows her love and affection...
I know this may sound completely crazy, and I will admit I do get emotional, but I just do not know what to do anymore. We have altered our entire lives to have her in it, and it seems like it is not working. We have invested so much time, energy and money into this, how can it be a sinking ship?!?
I would appreciate any comments/help/advise. I feel like I am drowning...