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Old 05-19-2009, 01:06 AM
theque theque is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 6

Originally Posted by Quath View Post
theque, I don't think you are alone in what you are going through. I think many people find polyamory from falling into it as opposed to deciding that it is what you want from the beginning. So like any other major change to your life, it can leave you very disoriented until you get your bearings.
That's putting it lightly! I would think that after nearly 9 months I would have a better handle on what I want or where to go, but I don't really. I still feel just as uncomfortable and at odds with myself as I did in November when this suddenly became a real thing. In fact, in some ways it's gotten worse in that I don't know if what I think I'm striving for is something that I really want, or it's something I allowed myself to get involved in to numb the pain and now I've just become used to to it. My desires and motivations have become well and truly muddied.

Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I like your view that it is a continuum. Polyamorous people do tend to vary in the openness of their relationship from polyfidelity to complete openess with no rules whatsoever. Most poly people fit somewhere in between.
That is an image that a (non-poly) friend of mine introduced me to when I first came to him for support and he suggested that lots of people have happy poly relationships. Ironically, at the time I discounted that as a possibility for me pretty solidly, one might even say vehemently. But that conversation, that image, ultimately is what got me to really give it serious consideration as a possibility.

Originally Posted by Quath View Post
It sounds like you want to get over your anger and fear of Justme and your friend being together. Is that right?
At the minimum, I feel I need to get over the anger and hurt that thinking about what has already happened brings up. It's keeping me anchored in the past in an unhealthy way, and is really interfering with my/our healing. I'm reading some general materials on forgiveness which I hope will help with that.

I don't know what I want to do for the here-and-now. One difficulty I've had with with a lot of cognitive therapy techniques I've looked at in dealing with this is that they feel like a form of self-delusion to me. They seem like ways to trick yourself into believing you are ok with something that you really are not, and that seems to be undermining of one's self. Compound that with our severely compromised trust and my general confusion about my own feelings on the subject, and I have a recipe for being highly resistant to attempting to actively manipulate my own thoughts. It just feels dishonest. It causes my a lot of stress to even write about it here. In fact, we picked up a copy of Opening Up on a recommendation from elsewhere on the forum yesterday, and on the way home I had to ask JustMe to move it so it wouldn't be in my line of sight. Everytime I saw it I got an adrenaline surge and it was interfering with my ability to concentrate on driving.

Also contributing to that resistance is the idea that if I do embrace this life, that JustMe will "win" through her deceit, ultimately being rewarded for all the hurt she caused. I know that's juvenile and simplistic, but it is yet another roadblock for me.

But at the same time, I know that to a large degree my value system has been learned during my 30 years here, and I really truly believe that a lot of values are simply wrong. In an attempt to reconcile all this, I'm attempting to perform what I think of as a "values transplant", so I'm expecting a lot of discomfort as I tease apart what feels true to me, and what I simply accepted in the absence of a plausible alternative. Starting this process from a net-negative point of safety and trust is undoubtedly complicating it. But I really truly believe that I would not have ever started on this journey had it not been for all that pain, I'd have never opened myself up to all that has an could be possible through my relationship with Her. I just never would have seen the point.

Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I had a hard time visualizing my wife with someone else. However, once I really thought about the idea of compersion (or frubble), I realized I could focus more on her happiness and try to focus less on my jealousy.
I believe I have experienced what I would now call compersion in a few instances, some of which were so.... strong(?) that I actually felt an intense desire to participate in those imagined scenarios. These new-to-me not strictly hetero feelings did nothing to clarify issues for me, but that's something of another subject. Those moments of compersion are very very rare though, and seemingly becoming more rare. When I first had the epiphany of how this all could be, I spontaneously had a handful of moments like that when thoughts of JustMe and Him would materialize, but now I only get a shadow of them when I'm "high" from my time with Her, it never happens outside of that frame of mind anymore. Overall, I think my thoughts on JustMe sharing intimacy with other people have gotten darker as my anger over all this has inexplicably started to grow again. That scares me. We had some pretty big waves this weekend that might have reversed that trend a bit for me, but only time will tell.

Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I would suggest reading some books on polyamory if you think that could hel you. Sometimes it takes listening to what others have been through to help you find the ground for your situation. If you listen to podcasts, you could listen to Polya,ory Weekly. That is a very good forum for a wide range of polyamory issues and discussions.

I hope you and JustMe can find the happiness you are looking for.
I will check that out. Perhaps getting the information delivered via a means other than text will help me get over the block I currently have in really truly researching this and learning.

Thanks again for your time, compassion, and insights.
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