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Old 01-03-2012, 09:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Ugh, I hate that he thinks you're trying to guilt him when you're only trying to work things out and communicate. Guys tend to do that when they feel they are done talking about something, I think. Anyway, while I don't think it's productive at all for him to just shut you down and refuse to talk with you about how you feel, it is true that your jealousy is yours to work through on your own. He cannot do it for you. However, just telling him how consumed with jealousy you are isn't going to do anything for you.

Jealousy is sort of a conglomerate of emotions, and is never all there is. Usually jealousy "sits on top" of deeper, more difficult feelings that we don't want to face. It's much easier (and very full of lots of explosive energy) to feel the jealousy instead. But what is at its root?

Usually jealousy is a cover-up for feeling hurt, inadequate, and often fears of abandonment. There can also be anger, loss, and a sense that you've been betrayed. When we're jealous we start comparing ourselves with others and always come up short. But it's more important to get at what's underneath the jealousy.

There are a ton of threads here about jealousy - you can do a search. I will share an excerpt from one of my posts on jealousy, which I wrote in another thread to someone else (so as not to duplicate all that writing):
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
When I feel jealous, I ask myself, "What is it specifically that I am jealous about?" I keep digging deeper and deeper, because I think that jealousy is there over top of other feelings. If you can get to the deeper feelings and just experience them, it helps dissipate the jealousy.

For me, jealousy usually pops up because I have doubts or insecurities, or the person I'm jealous of has either lied or been deceptive in some way, because I think the degree of jealousy I experience is also closely related to trust. But jealousy is also tied in with comparing oneself to others and seeing yourself as coming up short somehow, or more deserving of what the other person has, or less deserving if your esteem is really low.

I have somehow learned to step back from the jealousy when it occurs and examine it. I don't get it right every time, but when it works, it's very freeing. I just ask myself why I was jealous, and get really analytical abut it. I don't think it's enough to say, "Okay, I'm jealous, this is unbearable, how can I stop feeling this way?" Ya gotta look more closely, I think. In so doing, you might find out that what you think you are jealous of isn't it at all. It could be hurt, loneliness, envy, feeling left out, feeling abandoned, feeling somehow "less than."

For example, late last year, I was jealous of another woman who was getting attention from a guy I was seeing, even though he made it clear they were only platonic friends. I realized my jealousy stemmed out of my loneliness (he and I didn't get to see each other very often), and feeling a little sorry for myself.

It's much easier to feel jealous than it is to feel lonely! No one wants to feel lonely. Heck, most of us don't want to admit we're lonely, ever! I know I am much more willing to get caught up in the emotional drama that is stirred up by jealousy than to just sit and feel lonely or whatever else is underneath it.

I have read that jealousy usually involves a mix of different emotions. Perhaps yours is "sitting on top of" other feelings that you are less willing to look at. It's something to consider.

... is there a part of you that you feel is being neglected, hurt, or that you've lost something? People often want the other person to fulfill something in us. We often project something onto them, which could be an aspect of ourselves that we want to come to terms with somehow.

... Have you genuinely asked yourself ... NOT, "oh why does this bother me" -- as if there's something wrong with you for feeling this way but, rather -- "what is bothering me? What is it? Hmmm," like a scientist. Get down to the nitty-gritty to see it. Simply seeing things for what they are, without "doing anything" about it, is enough to let it go. The jealousy and other emotions will stop having any power over you when you know exactly what it is.

I think that it is important to become aware of things like this and look clearly at the dynamics of a relationship, and at the feelings of jealousy themselves. I am always surprised at the sense of calm I experienced when I step back from my jealousy to look at it more objectively. Consider your jealousy an opportunity to learn more about yourself and how your mind works.

We don't need to get wrapped up in our emotions, we can actually observe them. Becoming clear about who one is, what one wants, the mix of emotions we experience, and what needs one hopes our partners (or exes!) can fulfill, would help deal with any jealousy (and any other uncomfortable feeling) that comes up.
I hope you find this helpful!
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 01-03-2012 at 09:42 PM.
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