So... I feel like I was doing pretty well for a while and now all of the sudden I am back to square one feeling like it's not worth it. I was so excited for New Year's weekend and then pretty much nothing went as I thought it would.
NYE was pretty good while my family gathering was going on. Keith and Mario were in the basement playing board games (strategy games that no one else likes - lol) with a couple of other people who they regularly hang out with anyway. I was upstairs helping cook the bagna caulda (family tradition for NYE) and chatting with various cousins and aunts and such. Fiona tended to stay close to me or watching her son depending on whether he was with the rest of the kids where the older kids would be paying attention or wandering around. That part was great.
As it got later, 6 of us (me, Keith, Fiona, Mario, my sis, and her husband) started drinking a bit. Not too much since most of my family disapproves, but just a little. Still, all fine. We get the boys to come upstairs and play regular group games and I end up sitting between Fiona and Mario. Mario is flirting really heavily with me, and Fiona and I have had banter going on all evening - nothing most people would notice as unusual since she didn't know many people there. Keith says he notices my cousin giving him odd looks and looking kind of pointedly in our direction once in a while, but I didn't notice anything. Fiona at one point had to stop herself because our knees were really close and she had automatically started touching my leg with part of her hand. At midnight we all had champagne/sparkling wine. Still good. After everyone left, the 6 of us plus my parents sat down to play Apples to Apples. Still drinking (my parents joined in at that point). Finally we all decide it's bed time at like 3:30. Fiona, Mario, Keith, and I head downstairs. My parents go to bed. My sis and her husband go to bed.
As soon as we get down there, Mario is all over me. Not necessarily unusual as we have random days where we are VERY physically into each other. I made a joke to kind of get him to slow down for a bit so EVERYONE could have fun and Keith and Fiona join us on the bed. Fiona and Mario both focus on me for a minute and then Keith starts playing with Fiona and it was like she forgot I existed. The ONLY time she even touched me after that was when I apparently started getting to loud and she slapped her hand over my mouth. That's fine, I needed to be quiet with my family upstairs, she was having fun too... No big deal, but I'm suddenly not feeling as great about the whole night at that point. She hadn't kissed me at all even when it was just she and I were the only ones around and I tried to get close.
After we were all done playing, we were obviously exhausted. I was about to get out from under the covers of the bed to let Fiona and Mario have it when Mario got comfy on the air mattress instead. I told them I was going to sleep on the air mattress or on the couch since they'd only had 3 nights of a real bed since their trip. Mario says he isn't moving but Fiona should sleep with me in the bed. Then Fiona says she's sleeping with him. On the air mattress. Forget the fact that I'd been insisting ALL WEEK that Keith and I take the air mattress. I would have been fine with sleeping in the bed with Fiona. I would have been fine sleeping on the air mattress with Keith. I was NOT fine sleeping in the bed with Keith. lol Weird, I know, but it's the way I am. She physically held me down when I tried to get up. Didn't listen to my opinion at all. I just felt like I meant nothing. She hadn't kissed me since midnight (and shut down any attempt I made), she barely touched me in bed (I did try to play with her, too, but there wasn't much room to maneuver so after Keith came over all I could do was fondle - she didn't return the favor at all), she didn't want to sleep with me OR let me sleep where I wanted to sleep.
I was upset, couldn't go to sleep, so I went upstairs to read for a while in the office. Keith tells me the next day that he noticed me leaving but decided not to check on me because he thought I needed space - fair enough, but I would have liked him to since I slipped out when he was asleep. It would have been nice to know I was missed, I guess. Fiona came upstairs, knew I was up there, and didn't come into the room. I didn't realize it was her that was in the bathroom so I didn't go out. Once again, would have been nice of her to check on me to see WHY I wasn't downstairs sleeping (or sleeping at all), but ok then.
So, I was feeling pretty disappointed about the entire situation at that point. I felt physically rejected by Fiona. Emotionally rejected that my views didn't seem to matter and that the one night that we have a chance to sleep together she opts not to (even after multiple entreaties by her husband that she should and me reminding her how nice it was last time).
With these feelings all swirling around me, last night on our drive home (we had went to Mario and Fiona's to hand out and to give their son Christmas gifts since we hadn't had a chance yet), Keith tells me that they had hung out with a couple they'd met from a swinger's site last night. Fiona didn't tell me. At all. Still hasn't. So once again, I feel like she doesn't care how I feel about ANYTHING. The last time they met a couple, she was texting me every half hour, offered to not even meet them if I wasn't okay with it, and the next day was cuddly and attentive to make sure that I didn't feel threatened, I guess. Last night, I once again got nothing. She did sit between me and Mario so she could be in physical contact with both of us, but when I would try to hold her hand, rub her arm or leg, or anything like that she didn't really respond in any way. Oh, and she forgot to mention that she could have had sex with other people last night.
I just feel like I'm over it. Whatever I'm feeling for her is NOT worth feeling like shit every time she doesn't think about me in various situations.