I've decided something. The next chance we get for a serious chat I'm going to tell Davis, flat out, that I'm not going to commit to moving to a primary relationship with him with things as they are. This will probably necessitate reiterating what "primary" means (to my understanding)... structured commitment and a shared life, not importance. Another way to put it is that I still love him and prioritize him but as things stand I won't be moving in with him in the spring.
I'm not going to rule out the possibility, but I'm going to set conditions that would need to be met for me to open the idea back up for consideration. I need my partner to be an adult, and that means someone who takes care of him or herself. There are certain ways in which Davis decidedly does not take care of himself. Chief among these, in my view, is the fact that he's not in therapy even though he admits that he has recurring depression. I refuse to wed my life to someone with an unmanaged mental disorder.
There's also a physical health thing that is long overdue for him to address, and I need to know that he has his finances in order. That isn't to say I need him to be perfectly trim and fit and sculpted, or that I need him to be entirely out of debt and flush with cash, hardly. It's more about facing problems head on, creating plans to address them, and then following up. Self-care and responsibility.
What tipped me over into knowing I had to do this was asking myself -- would *he* let *me* get away with this stuff? Hard to say for sure, but I'd like to think not, that he'd care about me too much to let such important things slide.
People always say that you shouldn't try to change your partner. Is that what I'm doing here? Or am I just setting personal boundaries about what I'll accept in a co-pilot? Any perspectives?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.