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Old 01-02-2012, 07:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You keep saying in this thread that you're "over it" regarding your suspicions that your wife was having an affair before you two officially opened your marriage -- but if you really were over it, why would you have mentioned it so much? In giving us background, you would've simply said, "we opened up our marriage eleven years ago... blablabla," and not even mention your old doubts.

I had a very wise teacher a long time ago who used to say, "The degree to which you succeed and have satisfaction in life is directly proportionate to the amount of resentments you carry." I don't think you have let go of your resentment toward your wife about wanting a polyamorous relationship and you are still attached to the idea that she cheated. I get the sense that you are stubborn and proud, and that somewhere in you, there is a feeling that your idea of manhood, being a good husband and provider, and the very meaning of marriage to you, has been "under attack" or eroded by her wanting poly. You say that you have "neglected" your wife and wanted some sort of affirmation that doing so is justified. In all of your posts about your wife, there is a very clear expression of anger and bitterness toward her.

Your pain comes through loud and clear in all your anger and frustration. It seems to me that you are supremely disappointed in her and how your marriage turned out, and how you feel about yourself as a man because of it, and I wonder if you have looked at this in any kind of therapeutic setting -- because I think it will continue to eat at you and prevent you from feeling happy and satisfied until it is addressed.

Maybe you and your wife are finished and ready to move on. Maybe you can turn it around and embrace poly with forgiveness (for her and yourself) and generosity of spirit, and not hurt anymore. I think that, with lots of self-examination and a real willingness to feel vulnerable, you can do the inner work necessary to arrive at a place where you feel relief and being at peace with yourself, where you are no longer angry at her, and even a place where you can re-write your ideas of what marriage is "supposed to be" and be happy with that. Whether the two of you stay together or not. I wish you well in this effort, if you are brave enough to go there.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 01-02-2012 at 07:49 PM.
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