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Old 01-02-2012, 06:31 PM
Trimbat Trimbat is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Oo, fascinating article; thank you for that! Having read it, I think I can defend myself a bit here from accusations (and the judgment may be subconscious, but I'm definitely sensing it) that my desire is to use people or treat them badly, or that the fact that I want to explicitly identify my husband as my primary means that I'm somehow screwing (metaphorically) my secondary/ies or that my relationships with them wouldn't "count" as poly (though if that last one is true, I guess I don't care).

Nothing I'm looking to do violates any of the "Secondary's Bill of Rights", or the principles laid out in the preamble of it. I'm not being dishonest in any way, and the relationship I have is quite in line with what my secondary partner wants -- he's a young unattached man and not looking for a relationship in the progress-towards-cohabitation-etc. sense; he just wants a trusted sexual friend, like I do. He's aware that I'm married and that my sexual activity involves the veto power of my husband, and that for that or various other reasons, our sexual relationship if not our friendship may be short.

The only thing that article and I "disagree" (and mildly) about is whether it's super important for the primary partner to "want" the secondary partner. I say "mildly" because I think it comes down to definitions of want...my husband wants me to have people to date and be to some degree sexual with because it makes me happy, and we want each other to be happy. (Therefore also, I want my other relationships to happen inside the context of what my husband is comfortable with, for the same reasons.) There's no hatred between him and anybody I might date. But it is difficult for him sometimes, and it's easier for him if he doesn't have to interact with them regularly -- and I don't see why that shouldn't be something I'm willing to do, and my secondaries are/will know about and be fine with. (Wow, sorry for the grammar on that last sentence! Yikes.)

As an update, further conversations and stuff are going really well -- and thank you to everyone who mentioned sex in the "is this really what's important?" sense -- it turns out that while that's our sticking point right now, it isn't in fact the heart of the matter, and dealing with it that way has made things much easier for us. We've decided to abstain from outside-the-marriage penetrative sex for a while (as that's what really bothered my husband, it turns out; other sexual contact is fine with him) and let the now-conscious reality of my polyamory (or whatever you want to call it) settle. I'll keep seeing the people I'm seeing, most of whom are platonic anyway, and we'll keep working on the details of how to make it so that both of us can be comfortable and happy. I'll talk to my one recently-not-platonic secondary (who, by the way, is also a secondary in the sense that other obligations don't allow us to spend much time together -- we share some hobbies and see each other weekly or so, but neither of us has time for more than that) and see where he wants our relationship to fall on the spectrum of sexual contact; and if he doesn't want any, that's fine; I'll keep my eyes out for someone who does, and take it at a speed that my marriage can be comfortable with.

In short, I feel much better, and I definitely owe some of that to you, so thank you! I'll continue reading and talking and if I learn anything momentous, I'll be sure to share it.

Thanks!
TB
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