I have been told I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. Im not sure exactly how Ive changed, and I dont know if I can "fix" it and become at least one who makes my lovers happy. If not who I was.
I know that I have been swinging crazy lately, and I know its taking a toll on F. I want to be the one who makes him happy like I did when we got together, but I dont even know what about me made him happy. Hes close to his breaking point, so I have to tread very lightly. I think I have done well these past few days, but I know he wont respond to a change that fast. I have to show him that I am serious about making him happy and being happy and not being as stressed as I have been and using my tools to conquer my emotional problems. I have felt good emotionally maybe because I have blocked everything out, but other than mourning the loss of the baby, I havent been too upset, well thats not true, T says she wants to break up, Im not even sure where we stand, but its not something I want to bring up right now. I dont even know what Im going to do next but I do know that mine and F's date tomorrow night will be full of flirting and fun, I have to make it fun and prove to him Im trying.
I figure that it will take a few weeks or so to rebuild with F and I want to limit the time T is here, the primary relationship has to come first and be stable in order for poly to work. I have to insure both mine and John's and mine and F's relationships are stable and right now they arent.
I have a lot to think about and to try to decide what to do about, and right now that doesnt scare me. Im actually feeling pretty good about most things, I just need to set a temporary boundary on how much T is here until F and I are back on track. If he values our relationship he will do it, if he doesn't then I will start to look elsewhere.