Originally Posted by Mintcar
Also, he calls me his hot little mama and says that our sex is infinitely better, but I know that he holds her on a pedestal for being his wife and the mother of his childrren. I can't compete with that. So sometimes I come away feeling like a concubine. Anyway I guess what I am saying is that I empathise and understand. Those are some of me reasons for beingg jealous sometimes. U are not alone. I am sorry I rambled and shifted focus on me for a bit. I just so relate and needed to tell u my story.
You and your female spouse do hold different positions in your male spouse's life. The two of you are not interchangeable. And yes, hers is society sanctioned wife and mother of his children. However, I would not be surprised if his legal wife feels a bit envious that you are his "hot little mama". And yes, I'm sure she is aware of this on some level.
I can certainly see why the deception in regard to the swinging bothers you. Deception in any relationship sucks. Period.
It sounds to me though that you also feel "less" because your position is not sanctioned by society ~ that you can't show affection to him in public etc. Sadly, this is nothing that any of you can fix. This situation is not your spouses' fault. Society is what it is. You may be able to flaunt your triad status once the children are grown, but for now, they must be considered.
It is important that you separate how society would define you (concubine for example) versus how the three of you choose define yourselves. It can be a difficult challenge as we are bombarded each day with the American standard "nuclear family".
Sounds to me that you are sorting through your issues very well. Perhaps, you'll find in getting them teased out, you'll be able to put some of them to rest. However, in the long run, it may come down to the fact that you want a more traditional (by societal standards) legally sanctioned relationship.
As the added one in a long term MFF triad that lasted until the death of our male spouse, I understand the struggle you are under in regard to society. In the end, for me it was worth it to deal with those restrictions. No one else in our triad liked having to hide the truth either, but that's the way it was.
And while there were lots of issues in my newest triad (read Need Some Perspective if you are interested), I think one of the problems was exactly the one you are struggling with about what society thinks. In our case, the legal wife had major issues with anybody finding out. While I don't mention it in my post, I think it was a huge part of her 180 degree turnaround, although she would not admit to it.