If it helps, I don't think you are being vindictive. As the poly person who got into an emotional affair first, I get that it feels embarrassing and/or belittling to admit to lying or cheating. the wish to just clean slate it and move on from where you are. However, I also know DH could not move on until I admitted, and showed genuine remorse for the lying. Without the truth having been given for years, there's no solid foundation to build on. In one of our communication books we use it talks about how if you don't work on things, communicate you end up with the four Rs. Resistance, Resentment, Rejection, Repression. One thing the book was clear on was these were the steps to the death of a relationship.
Basically waiting for the truth, not sure if she has cheated or not and not getting the conversation to finally clear things and really be able to work through them and THEN try and move on. I think you've just gone through all four stages. First there's space, you start Resisting what the other person is saying and doing. You start pulling away. Then you start Resenting things. Blaming and disliking things they are doing. You haven't had what you feel is the truth so you start resenting the 'truth' she does give you. Not able to trust it. The little voice in your head almost rolling it's eyes at things. Then there's Rejection. You dont' really want time with her, dont' want to discuss it, don't want to be emotionally connected. It's too hard. Actually maybe that's the stage you are at. Though it feels like you are at Repression. Where you just get to a state of numbness emotionally.
We took trips into these four Rs ourselves during our marriage, but the book helped, even if it hurt as well to go over things you had emotionally numbed yourself to. You had to reopen wounds. Honestly if your wife really wants things to get back to you two being primaries for each other, she may want to look into opening those wounds and admitting things, talking them out and actually cares about the hurt you felt. Right now you might seem numb about it, but that's probably you just covering it up because feeling hurt all the time is too hard. So it's heal or repress it. You've been repressing, she wants better, she needs to help with the healing.
That's what I get when I read this thread anyway.
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year