Originally Posted by Trimbat
Please do correct me if this means that I'm using "secondary" incorrectly -- my understanding of it is that it means you have a relationship (the ones I'm thinking of are very caring, trusting friendships, usually based on shared hobbies, with some degree of physicality involved), but you state up front to everyone involved that that relationship is not as important to you at the end of the day as your primary one, and that if it comes down to one or the other, you'll sacrifice the secondary relationship.
That could be a couple's understanding... but no, I don't think it's common. Secondaries can be just as important as primaries. They are people too! And it's possible to fall as deeply in love with a secondary as with your primary.
Letting them know you'll just dump them when push comes to shove is rather disrespectful, imo.
Usually people are secondary not in LOVE, but in living arrangements, financial arrangements, childcare.
It can take a while, months to years, for a formerly mono person to accept how multiple love relationships can add to the primary one, and not threaten it. How each lover brings something unique and good to the polyamorous person, and there is no need to choose or limit loving anyone, except for time and energy constraints.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years