Oh, I forgot I did want to address nycindie's comment about heirarchies: YES there is a reason I want to have that. I have a life-partner already -- someone whom I want to be my closest confidant, my living companion, and my strongest supporter/responsibility (meaning he will go to the absolute wall for me, and I for him) until death do us part, for really. A lot of this recently is about me realizing and clarifying that some of my "boy friends" are really "boyfriends", and now that PTSD doesn't keep me from treating them as such, I'd like to at least to some degree. But my husband and I are very clear that no matter what other relationships either of us have, we want to stay the primary partner for each other. That's something we worked really, really hard to build.
Please do correct me if this means that I'm using "secondary" incorrectly -- my understanding of it is that it means you have a relationship (the ones I'm thinking of are very caring, trusting friendships, usually based on shared hobbies, with some degree of physicality involved), but you state up front to everyone involved that that relationship is not as important to you at the end of the day as your primary one, and that if it comes down to one or the other, you'll sacrifice the secondary relationship. If that's true, then as I've said, I already pretty much have them, only my husband has been relying (more than either of us knew until recently) on those relationships being purely non-physical, and I'd like to change that insofar as we can both be comfortable with it.