Thank you very much so far, everyone! Some really good points there, and good-looking reading recommendations that I'll definitely check out.
I don't know how I missed that "DADT" is actually (from skimming, it seems) pretty common...will definitely read more.
The Most Pertinent Question Award goes to "Do you know what you want?" ... umm, I'd say yes, but obviously this whole situation would have been avoided if I'd known what I wanted before I signed up for a lifelong relationship. All people change of course, and in my case the changes are new and very big and predicated upon having not known (or avoided looking at) some important self-data to begin with, so I guess the safest answer is "hell no I don't know what I want", other than that I know I want my husband to be with me through figuring it out. Obviously it's not JUST about sex (is anything?), but I would guess it's pretty normal for that to be the sticking point, especially with married couples.