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Old 01-01-2012, 07:37 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Surrey UK
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Welcome to the forum, and I really like your title for the thread !


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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post

Short story: I had abusive early experiences (including Catholicism, joke-only-half-intended)
Yep, they are into abuse big time - they want to control and ruin our sex lives, and they are into genital mutilation. I would suggest you dont go near them again !



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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post


always wanted there to be more eventuallt holy cow am I poly and have always wanted to be poly and was just too scared to death to do anything about it.
I'm reading "Sex at Dawn", (recommended reading, by the way), its about how much evidence there is, showing that our ancestors were promiscusous, its in our dna! (now we can overcome things in our dna, of course, but why suppress an activity thats healthy, and fun?)

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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post
I've never cheated on anyone in my life, so I discussed it with my husband, who gave me permission to try it
Well done to you, for not cheating, and for speaking about it. Its the lying and getting caught that causes the damage in relationships, NOT from having sex with someone other than your spouse. ...and VERY well done to your husband. I think he may need a lot of time to process this now, and overcome his fear/s.



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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post
But my husband HATED the experience of me doing it--he said it made him certain I was going to leave him, no matter how many times I said I wasn't--


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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post
(IT'S NOT; can I say that here? I can't explain in ten words or less why I feel like I need other sex partners now and again, but it ISN'T because my husband is inadequate! I LOVE him and our sex life is AWESOME and yes, if I have to give up all other relationships to stay with him I will...but given my history and whatnot, he knows as well as I do that if I do that as a sacrifice, I will resent it and it could ruin us eventually, and we're quite desperate to avoid that.)
"Like"

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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post

But holy stars and garters, would I be thrilled with any advice that anyone had, or further reading for us (we've done some, but nothing's really been useful so far).
Did you check out "Ethical Slut" ?


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Originally Posted by Trimbat View Post

One sub-question for anybody who's brave enough to swing at it: How bad is "lying by agreement"? My husband finds hearing or knowing anything about my, um, activities really horribly uncomfortable -- even that I'm *thinking* about it bothers him. He brought up the possibility of us setting ground-rules up front, but then agreeing that I would lie to him about what I was doing "in realtime" so he wouldn't have to think about it. I don't like how that feels but I would do it for him if it was actually helpful. Is it, or is the need for any kind of lying a bad, bad sign?
Called "dont ask, dont tell" policy, search for it here, or even just DADT. If your prospective partner/s are told you have this policy, they might still think you are cheating on your husband. But maybe it can work in your case.
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