I found this group and thought I'd jump in and try to figure out a little more about who I am and where I'm at in my life.
So the basics first for intro's sake. I'm a homeschooling mom of 3 and have been married for almost 7 years and am perfectly happy with home life and my relationship with my hubby. We are a military family and moved to a new area 1.5 years ago. Getting involved in the local community has taken some time for me but just recently I've found a really awesome Pagan group and I feel very welcomed and fit right in.
I found this group after meeting a new friend, she introduced me to the group and we hit it off really well. She is poly and lives with her husband and her boyfriend and they've been in this relationship for a long time. It fascinated me, because my brother was poly, and besides him I haven't met anyone else. So I'm excited to know some one else. I told my husband that she was poly, because we talk about everything and he was accepting of it, but of course made a few jokes.
So let me back up some, sorry I know this is getting long, when I was pregnant with my second child my husband and I started talking about exploring swinging, but of course because I was pregnant we didn't really explore it just because we didn't want to add any extra stress or anything. But over the next few years we discussed maybe just bringing a third person, another guy, in bed with us because I'm interested in that a bit and after talking more swinging as a couple just isn't something my husband is interested in. After having my third child I've been pretty unhappy with my body and we never really talked about any of it again.
So fast forward to last Thanksgiving (2010). Every holiday meal I like to have hubby invite all the single guys from work for holiday dinners, mainly the guys who don't have anywhere to go or can't make it home. So last Thanksgiving my hubby brings home one guy he worked with, the guy was super quiet and I had to joke with him a lot and we sort of hit it off. He came back for christmas dinner; between the two meals I had talked to him a bit through facebook and we became friends. After the holidays I hung out with him some and we went out to eat a time or two and I thought I just really like him as a friend, I had been craving the male friendship because back before my husband (and my exhusband for that matter) I had a lot of male friends. It was nice to have this connection. Hubby even joked a bit about him being my boyfriend, but I always blew it off saying it was just nice to have a male friend again. But one night I dropped him off and we talked and then hugged and we were both carrying stuff so we had to switch sides how we normally hug and there was a split second where it almost became a kiss instead of a hug... but it didn't happen I just forced the hug and pulled away blushing and said good bye. I distanced my self from him for a long while, but always craved the attention from him when he'd come over to hang out with hubby or what not and we always hugged (I hug everyone, but hugs with him are always a second or two longer).
I've come to realize that I think I might love him, I always wonder how it would be to kiss him, how it would be to have a deeper relationship with him. We went to an Oktoberfest event as a big group and while there I saw him kiss a girl (he is single, it was just a random girl he met that night. nothing more happened other than that one kiss, I know because we were all staying at the same house), I was walking up to him when she grabbed him and kissed him, and I zeroed right in on his mouth and was very turned on... that's not normal for me when I witness other people kissing, but with him I wished I had been the one receiving that kiss.
So I don't know what to do, I have very strong feelings for him but no one knows. Meeting my friend who is poly has given me a bump in further understanding and realizing my feelings, but now I feel that my husband may feel that I'm just saying I think I might be poly and want to explore, it because my new friend is poly... even though I know he knows that I am not that type of person (to do things simply because others do). That is actually the biggest fear I have, but of course I wonder if he would feel offended by it because it's his friend/coworker and if he would feel like maybe I love him less because of my feelings.
I know I don't love him any less, I just want to expand on my relationship with our friend. But the other thing I'm scared of, is if hubby says it is ok, what if I try to bring up my feelings to my friend and he turns me down for what ever reason, I don't want to be heart broken. I know I'm not the typical women he looks for. I'm 7 years older than him as well....
Sorry for the LONG intro, but that is me and where I'm at in life today... lol