Originally Posted by swmnkdinthervr
What it appears you're saying is simply that we could be denying ourselves and someone else what we cherish the most about our relationship and that makes a great deal of sense, we really don't want to limit ANY relationship with fear no matter how seemingly rational it might be!
You've helped clear up the initial misunderstanding (knee jerk reaction) we had about Redpeppers description of the "moving away from each other" and the "becoming more autonomous from one another" what she was describing makes a great deal of sense now and it signals growth as much as it might distance. Whew...the learning curve is steep!!!
The first part of the paragraph. Is that to me? I wasn't sure. Are you talking about the words used in describing yourself? If so then yes, it could divide you from someone that might be a suitable and interesting match. Its too bad really, but it does happen.
People come to poly from different directions and often have huge learning curves to get to a place of acceptance and understanding. If you meet someone that is not from the background of swinging or had bad experienced from it they might take a huge step back out of fear of being on a different path from you. You might also do the same thing if they are seeming to judge just because of the use of your language and assumptions about where others are coming from. It can take time to come together and realize that regardless of where you come from and what journey you have had that you are finding each other on the same page. Sometimes you might find that you aren't on the same page at all too, but really deep relationships can be built by using common language that people understand. Awareness is key I think. This, speaking from having taken my own journey and watched other take theirs also.
Second part; is this to Annabel? Yes, its hard to hear that exploring other partnerships might mean becoming less attached in the way you once knew into something more autonomous. I get a great deal of what I see as seething silence after I say a lot of things and I figure that its because its hard to hear. *shrug* I don't mean to sound negative, I just say it like I see it and realize that I make little friends by doing so. I just hope that they take it with them and think about it at some point.
Thing is that poly is VASTLY different than monogamy for some really good reasons. All of them because its different, not because its going to mean hardship, pain, being alone and unloved, the opposite is true. Its hard to get to a place of poly love, and some people are not cut out for it, but once there are some understandings about how it works successfully, there is much love to be found from many people. That is essentially (in my opinion and experience) impossible to do while attached to one person because it means that both people are distracted from truly loving others and allowing them to love you.
If you can allowing the letting go of the "togetherness" you share with one only; if you can reach a place where you have the deep love you describe and be okay with your partners others in your life that they have deep love with; if you can be okay with loving more than one without feeling separate and a need to be attached to any one of them in a monogamous way, then you are there. That's my belief anyway. Take it or leave it.