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Old 12-30-2011, 06:09 AM
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whitelettersky whitelettersky is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 10
Default Need advice on my new poly relationship!

Hi everyone! I just joined this site like five minutes ago. I've been polyamorous my whole life, but having a name for it is recent.

This jist of this question is this: My boyfriend's parents just found out that he is in a relationship with me and because I am married, they are having a fit about it. I am wondering what to do and how to deal with it. Below are more details...

Been with my husband for five years, married since May. Been in with secondary relationship (my boyfriend) for about six months. Things have been decent with all of us. Problem? My boyfriend is in college and his parents just found out about our relationship. THEY HAD A FIT. I've been friends with him and his brother for about a year (we all do martial arts together) and we've been hanging out about that long. In July we started getting close and his parents were a little weirded out because I had recently gotten married and they figured my husband was happy about us spending so much time together. His fall semester started (I live a mile from his university) and we spent more and more time together and his parents were more and more suspicious that we were more than friends. I knew everything was fine because 1. my husband was aware of our relationship and approved of it and 2. my boyfriend was becoming friends with my friends, so there were other reasons he'd be hanging out with us on weekends and late at night. In October, I emailed his parents and assured them that essentially nothing BAD was going on, but didn't actually say we weren't involved. We continued to grow close and as you can imagine, his parents continued to grow suspicious and curious as to why a married women was hanging out with this college student. We spent most of our time together at my house and only a few times a month at his house, so we weren't seen together much. The other day I was over and we watched a movie (most of his fam was sitting around with us) and my boyfriend through his leg up over mine on the couch recliner. Apparently this was "extremely intimate" and his mom made a comment to his father which spurred a heated discussion with my boyfriend - "this relationship is insane" "she's married and this is going no where" "if you get her pregnant, her husband will kill you" etc. I decided to talk to him personally, which I did yesterday. We sat down in the kitchen, I told him about polyamory (bringing up websites and references). He basically said he knew, he understood, said he knew people "like me" but he doesn't want it "going on in his house" and he and his wife "wanted their son to keep his options open, date around, and do well in school, which was difficult this semester because he spent so much time with you." He insisted he and his wife liked me a lot and loved that my bf and I were friends, but didn't like him being so into me and going "70 miles an hour with me". I agreed that we should limit our time together during the school year, but didn't actually say we'd put a stop to our relationship, because we truly don't wish to do that. We have a wonderful thing going. I asked my bf's dad to please explain the situation to his wife. I was hoping to ease her worries. I was polite, honest and as considerate of their feelings as I could be. Truly!

This all climaxed today. He went to visit grandparents several hours away with his family. They arrive, my bf puts his phone down in a bedroom, leaves the room for five minutes, and returns to see his mom going through his text messages with me and crying. She's going on about how she thought he was the kind of person who would "wait until he fell in love before losing his virginity like she did" and "thought he had a good head on his shoulders." Which he really does, he's a fantastic guy and everyone thinks so... Apparently his father came upstairs and also read through his text messages, insisting again that he stop his relationship with me because it's, again, "going no where."

Ultimately, I am extremely sad and disturbed that after all of our honesty and communication, they still felt the need to invade my bf's privacy. I suppose his mom's hysterical reaction to reading his texts to me are because this is her first time dealing with her son being sexually active and it's jarring and new. However, I am having a hard time wanting to respect their wishes after my bf and I have attempted in various ways to assure them that our relationship is healthy, loving, and with consent from my husband. I asked a fellow poly friend who said at this point, we have every right to ignore them and keep our relationship going, just quietly. Does anyone have any advice for me? Anything further I could say to them? Or does it make sense that we just quietly continue our relationship with or without their permission? I hate to be deceptive, but I've tried to be communicative... Any advice? Thanks!
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