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Old 12-30-2011, 03:15 AM
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Linaeve Linaeve is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 7

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
One question immediately springs to mind when you mention a polyfi triad/quad. Does that mean his new gf is to have no other partners? If so, that seems a little unbalanced, as he has her and a wife.
Ah, I'm sorry! I should have been more specific!

We would not mind if she had other partners, just at the moment she is interested in my husband and he to her. What we feel would be good (only because we haven't had a chance to include her thoughts, so these are negotiable) is getting used to the poly lifestyle first with just her, ensuring we all have voiced our thoughts and opinions on the relationships forming, and gotten some ground rules down. She still lives with her parents (she's in college, so it's easier on her financially), so we figure her first request would be to move in (down the line, of course). Thus, we are trying to come up with possible scenarios and how we would handle them.

I don't know if I made that more confusing or not, lol.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Some other thoughts... what would bringing her into your family mean? What if she wants to be in a relationship with him but not "join" you guys, whether that means adhering to the relationship structure you have in mind, moving in, or otherwise becoming more integrated into your lives... would that be ok?
That would be perfectly fine! She's her own person, and I have a young daughter so I would completely understand not wanting to move in. Young children usually get annoying when it comes to other people. And I'm perfectly fine with her never joining us in bed; it's not a requirement! With the relationship structure, it would be so much easier if she was willing to talk to me. I'd love to get her ideas, but she is still extremely weirded out that I allow her to see my husband, so I guess all in good time. I wouldn't be upset if nothing came of the relationship either, and they just stayed FWB.

The question I have is - what specifically about the idea of new babies in the family bothers him? Is it that he doesn't want more children? Or is it that he only wants children if you and he are the biological parents of the child? Or something else?
He wasn't bothered by the question. We were hashing out scenarios and how we felt about them. When we talked about it, he was more worried I would become jealous or saddened at the thought of him starting a family with another woman. And he expressed that he would become a bit jealous if I wanted a child with another man, but would do his best to understand the situation should it come about. My husband definitely wants more children! He was married once before, and was forced (due to a rather crazy wife who married him just to have a child in wedlock, then divorced him immediately after...she has equally crazy parents who would have crucified her if she had a child out of wedlock) to give up paternal rights to his daughter. It's something he doesn't want to experience again, and causes him a lot of grief, so that is part of the concern as well.

I suggest you talk about it A LOT, and you still wont be ready for it when it happens, if you say it can happen, and then what if it does happen even if you dont want it to happen?
This was part of the reason why we started the 'what if' scenarios! There is so much that could happen on accident, and it be nobodies fault. Condoms break, birth control is forgotten (conveniently or otherwise), etc. We were trying to hash out how we would deal with it if/when the subject comes up or if/when the situation occurs. We didn't want to knee-jerk react and cause emotional turmoil!

Some of the language you use in your post concerns me. "bringing in" is often used by people new to poly just as "triad" is. I don't have any other way of relating what that looks like other than saying that you are not purchasing a puppy, no one is "brought in" to a relationship, it morphs into something entirely new. It is impossible to MAKE someone love you as much as someone else. Sometimes its best to be happy they are willing to talk to you.
I understand. I know it's definitely not like bringing in a puppy. I really shouldn't have put that, lol. I meant it as everyone being accepted by everyone else. I only put triad because, well, at first (if she agrees) it will become a V triad, where my husband is the 'link'. I may be using the wrong terms, and for that I apologize. I was trying not to look ignorant, and succeeded in doing so! XD

To be honest, I'm not even sure she'll be for furthering the relationship with my husband as long as I am in the picture. She has a hard time believing I'm alright with them, though she shows (frequently) that she wants to deepen the relationship. All I'm doing is speculating, running through potential issues/situations, and ensuring we all (the three of us) do well by each other. That's why I joined; there are certainly things I probably wouldn't think about, but you guys might already have seen/gone through.

I am slowly, but surely making my way through the forums! I've learned quite a bit so far, and I thank you for your concern!

Keeping within the same spirit, trying to make a relationship more than what it is can be off-putting, as well. Every relationship is different, sometimes you just have to let it grow to see where it will lead, and make sure there is respect/consent/understanding among all those involved.

You and your husband seem like a very understanding, loving couple. Good luck.
That's ultimately my goal. The only things I'll be asking for in all of our relationships (down the line, including those we have not met yet!) is honesty, communication, consent, and respect. My husband and I follow those rules now, and they work marvelously!

Thank you all for your input, and I apologize for my late response! We are trying to get ready for a nice New Years party, and it's hard making an adult holiday a kid friendly one without making the adults feel left out. XD I'll call her KC (my husbands FWB) is tentatively saying she will come, so I'm trying to be as normal as possible without feeling nervous! I'm nervous about being overly giddy, lol, and scaring her away.
"Isn't it enough that you are the universe experiencing itself?"

Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives.
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