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Old 12-29-2011, 08:25 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by risingscarlet View Post
That you think she feels this way tells me that she may just not be able to emotionally handle the relationship. Love is not finite, and as long as she feels it is she is going to take issue with her husband's dividing his attentions.
Agreed. That said, it appears she has now become somewhat accepting of the friendship aspect. I think she has a big heart, but she is a very wounded person due to her upbringing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by risingscarlet View Post
This reminds me so much of my former quad. My girlfriend would alternately extend and retract her 'permission' for the relationship between my boyfriend and I, and she would 'break up with' and then reunite with me repeatedly. It tore our hearts to shreds. Reading this just made me sad.
Yes. The back and forth would be horrible. Our experience went like this: She was unhappy / insecure and would suggest "A" as a solution. So we'd do "A". Nope that didn't fix it, so she would say well, if you'd just do "B". And that didn't fix it. And each of these suggestions further limited the ability of myself and her husband to express our love for one another. Until we were down to a basic platonic relationship. We never got anything back as you describe. Just a downward spiral. Until he offered to end all contact with me. Here we actually gained something ~ the acceptance of our friendship.

He considered making the offer to cut contact with me a huge gamble, and yet felt there was nowhere else to go. If she had taken him up on it, he would have followed through, thinking that with me totally removed from the picture, she would no longer have any excuses and would have to face their issues. Thus far, she has used me as a convenient excuse for failing to acknowledge their problems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by risingscarlet View Post
I'm sorry but it sounds to me that he is choosing to leave you hanging because he doesn't want to let either of you go. Consider if that's something you're willing to accept.

Good luck to you. Happy Birthday.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!

If it were up to me, I'd have the triad we started out with. I came from a MFF triad (vee formation) that worked very well and know how beautiful it can be when all members love one another and are well-adjusted. I totally understand him not wanting to let either of us go. If I were faced with the same decision, I wouldn't want to choose either. He loves us both, and hasn't figured out how to un-love either of us.

And actually his revelation that he intends to have me back at some point was welcome news, because the understanding I'd been working under due to our initial agreement is that if didn't work out, I'd be sacrificed and she would remain. As it turns out, it isn't that simple. He cannot go back to where they were before. He cannot just forget me.

Yes, the practical application sucks, and it does not change my circumstances dramatically at this point, but psychologically, it did me some good to know I wasn't that easily sacrificed, and that his love for me is deep enought that he has put 13 years of marriage on the line.

The fact of the matter is, I do not want to let him go either. So knowing this, I just have to work that into how I get on my with life. I wanted to leave that door open anyway. Now I know I have a legitimate reason for doing so than simply my own personal hope. I am far more relaxed than I was when I originally authored this post.
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