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Old 12-29-2011, 06:13 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It's not the number of people involved or poly configuration that make relationships stable, it is the people themselves. Just about any configuration can work well if the players are healthy in their approach, self-aware, honest, and willing to do the necessary work.
Yes, I can see the logic of that, which is how I operate ~ logic. However, many people do not live there, it's all about just the emotions with little reasoning behind them. During the deterioration, my friend intimated several times that she would have coped better in a quad situation. Although she never said it, I kept getting the feeling that she felt her husband didn't have enough love for both of us, but if another male were involved, it would have balanced out. Yeah, I don't get it. But this is what led me to wonder. I learned a long time ago that most people's minds do not work like mine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
In your case, the healthiest and most nurturing thing to do, for yourself as well as for them, is to walk away and let them tend to their difficulties.
I moved out of the house 2 months ago, and in the last 72 hours some progress has finally been made. For the first time ever, my friend's husband finally got her to acknowledge that I was not the sole source of the problems between them. (I do think I catalyzed their acknowledgement of problems.) She also finally sanctioned the friendship between he and I. Since I left, she had continued to try to dismantle even the basic friendship between he and I. Interestingly enough, the way the sanctioning came about is for him to offer to cut off all contact with me on two different occasions in the last ten days. Each time she has said no. My theory is that faced with that option, she realized that cutting me out of their lives entirely would actually not fix a damn thing. And then she admitted that she was not ready to give me up.

My friend's birthday and mine are on the same day ~ tomorrow ~ and she and I are spending the day together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

You leave the door open by finding strength within yourself to take care of your needs and simply allowing for possibility; waiting for them and putting your life on hold is NOT the way to do it. Doing so will only keep you stuck and, eventually, resentful.
It's a psychological maze, sometimes isn't it? Since neither of them are letting me go, so to speak, (and likewise, I don't want to be completely out of their lives, I just want us all to be happy) it just occurred to me in responding to you that I need to re-frame this whole situation. I need to let go of the loss, and start from here, today. See what happens.

My friend's husband, revealed that he will have me back one way or another (and he hopes it is with his wife in agreement). However, he realizes if their specific issues cannot be remedied, then it may be without her as well. That said, he wants to give her a chance to grow.

So in the meantime, I will live. Take where we are now as the basis, and let it be as it is, and if anything manifests, let it grow (or re-grow) in its own time.

Thank you for offering your perspective on "leaving the door open". Sometimes, it's hard to see that certain things are not mutually exclusive.
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