I'm sorry you are going through this Mythos. Its not uncommon at least. You are in good company. Its really hard to just drop everything you've ever known and just go with the flow. Some can do that in time, others can't. The journey is about finding the boundary of how much you are able to handle and be happy and how much not. When that is discovered you can be REALLY happy and healthy, but like everything in life, its a journey of some hardship to find and stretch your take on relationships and sex.
The good new is that you know what isn't going to work for you right now or maybe even never. From your post I gather that;
- you don't want to have sex with strangers and
- you don't want your wife to either,
- people who just want sex from your wife is a no go for you
- and possibly for you too.
Might I suggest that you also learned that;
- rushing into situations is not going to work for you
- not knowing your wife's partners might not work
- purely sexual relationships are not going to be what you are looking for
- and you would prefer your wife wouldn't look for that either.
This list is what I am gathering out of barely any info. I am assuming you will modify it to suit yourself. It might be a helpful exercise for the two of you.
Although your wife didn't cheat by your definition, it does sound like she broke some major boundaries that perhaps weren't discussed or assumed. I think that is an excellent place to start in terms of re-building and healing from this. You might not see it as cheating but the effects are the same. Take a look around here for threads that relate. I would suggest "cheating" "lessons" "foundations" "casual sex" and any others that you find by looking in the search engine at the tags.