Christmas - Negativities II
Here I am, awake again …
My bad mood and disturbance was impossible to overlook. That's why Sward and Lin had a good talk about it when they went to buy sports shoes for Lin (our training starts today). Over the day I discussed with both of them, what could be possibly biting me that much. While trying to explain to them what this is about, I came across the answer.
Lin was the one to state the simple facts: I need control. And by the way, it was a great moment when he came up with that explanation, it was like it always used to be when we were still so far apart and he was able to analyze me even though we never met. I felt the same connection again and was so glad that this special part of our friendship didn't die along the way. (I don't know why I was surprised by that, I kind of anticipated this connection to get lost with our new intimate relationship.)
But whatever, he was right. All this uneasiness and restlessness boils down to me feeling like I lost control. I need to be in charge and I need security. Around Christmas I tend to breakdown the events and do a kind of achievement check. How much has changed in my life? How many 'little successes' did I achieve? Have I moved closer to the 'big goals' I want to obtain in the long rung? There is so much that I see along my way and so little behind me and saved within my reach.
I am impatient and I am greedy. I can't change the fact that the disc prolapse of Sward endangers his job and reemployment next year. I can't change the fact that Lin has a hard time finding the right field of work because of his heart condition and age. Can't change that I would love to have a stable future to raise children soon. Can't change that I feel pressured by the exams and the stuff that needs to be done around them next year. Can't change that I am still wary about our new relationship structure and that I still have a hard time feeling secure about the steadiness and permanent nature of it. Can't change that I would love to just be open about all that is going on in my life and that I have to wait and trust in time to do the work that is necessary beforehand.
All this makes me feel powerless. I can't cause any change or improvement right now and I have to wait for it to be done by others, mostly. This is so against my wish and nature. To feel better I just have to get some things done. I have to watch out that I don't start doing things for the sake of doing things obviously, but I know that I will only feel better, if I have the feeling of having achieved something. I need some little successes right now.
I envy Lin. He is able to see the simple fact that he is with me now, that we managed the whole uproar this year and are now able to be together, as such a huge positive development that all the uncertainty in the future doesn't count. Such an optimist. He told me, that even if I am not a materialist, money still makes me feel secure. I don't need fancy things but I need the knowledge of having the basic needs met in the long run. You can't live on love alone.
Sward's take on the matter was similar. He is going to get employed again, he will be able to heal his back and stay healthy in the future, things with Lin and him and I are great, nothing to worry about. They both understood what I was talking about but both of them where sure that 'Phy the worrier' is at work again. Well, after yesterday my little depression seems to dissolve slowly today. Both of them are really good at convincing me that things are alright. I hope that I will be able to tell all the positive things that came up over Christmas the next time I stop by.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.