Working it out. How I found out my boundaries.
Ok so this is my first post. I'll try to keep it short.(probably won’t work though)
So my wife and I have been officially poly for a year. It started when she figured out that her feelings for a (m) friend of hers was more than just friends.
Since that time they have been together a few times. He lives rather far away so it's pretty limited. Mostly they just text all day. She also has a girlfriend who she grew up with but has only recently admitted to herself it is more. Again a little far away so only a little time.
Finally we have a couple that we hang with. So far we have been up once to see them and "have fun" but it'll probably happen some more.
For me I have not found a secondary yet. I have a Male friend whom I have been with but only once and it's not really my thing. (Fun but not life defining if you follow)
So here's what happened recently. I started an OKC account to try to find some new friends and maybe more. So, following my lead, my wife did as well. I talked to some people but nothing substantial. My wife, however, found a guy and started talking, and in about a week was on a date.
I felt some apprehension about it but figured it was the same nerves I felt when the other stuff started and that it would pass like before. Then she came home from her first date and I found out she had slept with him...
I kept telling her I was fine and that I was just "putting it all together in my head" but for some reason I just kept sliding further down in my own head. Every bit of information pushed me a little further away from being "me"
I found out the sex was good... I freaked out
I found out that sex is all he's really into... I freaked out
I found out they were texting pics... Yeah I freaked out.
I started to have panic attacks. I didn't know that's what they were but when I finally told my wife she knew immediately. To her credit she ended the relationship. (As kindly as possible) and we deleted out okc accounts. I was worried that I was really mono but she pointed out that saying I was fine with her BF and GF and our couple friends (which is true) means I'm poly I'm just not open poly. I guess I have a problem with stranger sex.
As soon as she ended the thing I felt great. I was me again... for a while at least. But the problem is now I keep back sliding. I know it's over and I know it didn't mean much but I keep dwelling on it. I keep thinking stupid things. I worry that I'm being too needy and that I'll drive her nuts with it. So I decided to post here instead.