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Old 12-28-2011, 04:45 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Boston area
Posts: 201

Been reading here for a few months without posting, but some of these comments really struck a chord with me.

Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I am just struggling with my urge to define things. She seems so hesitant to discuss emotions or how we're going to handle possibly difficult situations that it worries me. I'm usually the one who avoids serious discussions so having a relationship with someone who is going to be like that is going to be hard.
I did this too at the start of a relationship this fall. In part I viewed it as healthy; I was trying to compensate for, or avoid the problems I'd had in, a previous relationship outside of my marriage where meaning was never discussed (I tried!). But ultimately I think I was trying too hard, and too early. I didn't really know where the relationship was going, or how we would manage it, and this unsettled me, but expecting my boyfriend to have those answers was unrealistic; he couldn't be sure about where it was going either. We were (are) really still getting to know each other and discovering what we can be to each other.

It has been really interesting for me to read here of the different stages of relationships, which I hadn't really recognized before. But it also makes it even clearer to me how hard it is to predict where a relationship will go. It's just very hard to know how either person will react when that initial energy wears down. And so it isn't really possible to make an honest promise about feelings in the future. You can discuss feelings now, or behavioral guidelines for the future, but there's only so much that can be pinned down.

If I remember right, you're generally ok when you're with her, you just question everything when you're not (been there!). I know it's hard, but maybe try to focus more on remembering and trusting in that positive time. It is easy for the insecurities/loneliness/neediness to start feeling overwhelming when you are alone, but how much do they really reflect the relationship between the two of you, and how much of them are simply your own issues that you need to grapple with?

Not that you can't acknowledge those issues, either to her or to others in your group, in fact I find acknowledging them does help to defuse them. But grappling on your own can also help you to acknowledge them from a calmer place, which I think makes them less likely to feel like a relationship crisis.

Originally Posted by km34 View Post
I am still struggling with whether or not I am too needy for this situation. It made me feel great when she said she missed me on the second day of her trip. It made me feel like crap when - after I told her that it wasn't that long of a trip, but that I was so excited to see her - she comes back with 'it was over too soon.' I understand it was only 4 and a half days or so with her family and if I were her I would totally wish I could have spent more time there, but couldn't she have at least acted like she was looking forward to seeing me too?
But she was honest! Isn't that better? Yes, she needs to be considerate, but she did say she missed you; she just has other people who are important too. Maybe flip the positions in your head - would you want to feel you had to censor your feelings? You acknowledge that you would feel the same way about your family

Don't mean to be hard on you at all here; I do understand the neediness issue. But you know that you will not be her whole life, no matter what, so learning to accept the importance of others to her, rather than feeling undermined by them, seems likely to leave you a lot more comfortable.
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