Originally Posted by Carma
I'm sad for you. I wonder if your wife is regretting some things now?? Our poly journey started with me falling in love with our neighbor and downplaying it -- i.e lying. I did confess everything, which led us to try poly. But I believe that, like you, my husband never got over the pain of me cheating. He got a girlfriend about 6 months after we opened the marriage and then HE started lying to ME. He feels justified in everything he does now. He downplays his relationship with her, although he is treating me as a total secondary (if that) and took his relationship with her farther than it was ever expected to go. He met her parents after only about a week, and he sent pictures of her and her kids to his mother! Well this is my story, but I can only speak from my own experience. I find it admirable that at least you are being upfront about your feelings now and admitting your girlfriend's emotional well being trumps your wife's. Wouldn't it really be better for your daughter if you both had authentic relationships and quit propping up the wounded thing that is your marriage?? It's no crime to move on.
I thoroughly understand the economics of your situation. Ours is dire too. But it's not worth the emotional expense of staying in a broken marriage. I'm looking for a way out, myself.
I commend you for coming here and owning up to your feelings and actions. That takes courage. You sound like a man of integrity. Show your daughter sometimes the respectable thing to do is admit when it's time to make a healthy change. You all deserve respect. I don't see much hope for that if you continue on living as you are.
Nah, no need to be sad. Our marriage is what it is. I've accepted it. I'm making the best of my situation. Sorta wish my wife would do the same.
See, your husband's behaviour is why I'm trying to avoid being passive-aggressive. It's not constructive and it makes you look like a petulant kid. At least being openly aggressive allows you to set your boundaries and makes the issues crystal clear. 'Course, ideally you'd want to skip the aggressive part in the first place.
As for divorce, general consensus here is that you divorce when the marriage gets into the state that our one is in. My wife and I are being pragmatic here. We just don't have the money to support two homes. We barely have enough to feed three mouths. If we did divorce, our quality of life goes down the crapper.
Sure, if my wife had her old well-paying job back, we'd make it official. But she's working in retail now. Cops? Most cops don't exactly get paid a fortune. Even the dirty cops here are rarely brave/stupid enough to take cash bribes.
To me, you don't need to divorce to end the marriage.
Besides, we still have a little bit of juice left. Is there anything "special" that you and your husband used to do when you were in love, C? When things were at their best? My wife and I still go hiking together. Especially around where we first met. There's a couple of cabins over there with some very soft beds. Still some sentimentality left.