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Old 12-28-2011, 08:30 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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As an Atheist living with a staunch christian, who has felt the wrath of the church, I can maybe let you know how it feels to be on the other side. I'm going to come across very stern here because Ive had a huge fallout with my wife's charismatic church, and I feel a vehement disgust for them, and actually almost any religion now.

So you've said your faith is the most important thing? This really hurts when you're on the other side. The church has first say on everything, and I feel they have absolutely no interest in furthering our goals as a family - they dont care about our home situation one bit. No wonder your partners feel threatened. I'm in a constant turmoil about this and my wife and I havent spoken about it much. There is some history with the church and I'm too angry about it to speak calmly about them. ( We went to counselling to try and have that chat, but that was disaster - another long story which I wont go into here ).





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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
So yeah. I'm born-again Christian.

Phew. So now I've said. Neither one of my partners share my convictions. Needless to say, there is some confusion at times.
umm, yep, I'm confused most of the time - how can my wife believe any of that supernatural stuff without any evidence?. And shes a scientist !


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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
My female partner and I had a long talk about how she feels there's this huge thing she doesn't get at all that has a huge effect on my life, one that she will always be a little wary of.
Yes, because, whatever the church says (without a single scrap of scientifically verifiable evidence), my wife will be sprouting what shes been told, judgmental over others, and on a mission to try and get the whole world to run their lives according to what the church said last week. If she hears something at church and I disagree with it, I have just about zero hope of being able to state my point of view. It seems she thinks "The pastor said x, therefore x is true". Example - she says "anyone who has sex before marriage is immoral" - I tried once to say "if its between 2 consenting adults, theres no harm" - and she retorted "Those people are damaging themselves". I kept quiet, but I was thinking "they are causing damage. They are damaging the church's ability to run our lives for us! Good for them".

Ive been to church with her many times and she'll sit there nodding in agreement while I'm thinking "what a load of garbage !". They seem to have somehow installed a logic override button in her brain :-(
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
My faith is the most important thing in my life.
OUCH !!!!
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Close relationships come second,
OUCH !!!!
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
but I can't pretend that if she suddenly got militant atheism and made me choose between my faith and her, as much as it would hurt me, I would choose my beliefs.
OUCH !!!

You and my wife would get along really well. As I read your words above, its a knife twisting in my heart, I'm put in my place, and I'm reminded of where my son and I stand in the heirarchy, - nowhere compared to the church :-(


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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Her beef with my spirituality is mostly that she can't begin to fathom how it affects my daily life in concrete ways.
Yep - the church's logic override button operates in most circumstances. For example - my wife (and her church friends) is quite happy to believe that my son and I are condemned !! For what??? Just for being born???? Yes, she'll believe that , without thinking "hang on, what has my little boy, 7 done, to deserve eternal damnation?? And anyway, do we have any evidence?" Nope, the Pastor said so, so it IS so - case closed in her mind. Excuse me, but W.T.F. ?????????????????


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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I think she's scared that one day I wake up and decide that since the Bible doesn't say anything about cars, we won't be driving one, or that God decides one day to talk to me and forbid me from eating carrots or some such.
EXACTLY! See my example above.

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
She's explained that since to her, religion has always been about anxiety and guilt and rules and punishments and restrictions and narrow-mindedness, she can't really imagine what it might mean to be partnered to someone who's gotten religion big time.
THIS !!!! I am struggling to get my wife to even talk about people having sex before marriage (or outside their marriage), without her adding in "Those people shouldnt be doing that!" . I really FEEL your partner's pain, big time.


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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I know of one other born-again gay poly person, and I think I'll have to strike up conversation on whether their partner gets them.
Would love you to meet up with people from the church here, and hear their judgemental views on same-sex and bi-sexual relationships - you might be on my side on this one !

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
She was worried that one day I might get a really strong religious calling .
We dont get this at all - what, god phoned you up or something? * No, to us it seems that you look for signs here and there, and if there is a hint in your imagination that something has a remote , (imagined) connection to your imagined "calling", then hey, suddenly its true, and then your imagination builds it more and more until its a "calling". Thats what it looks like to me, and I dont get it?




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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
and decide to go on a mission to a really really far away place.
and do whatever else the pastor told you, too.

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I tried to explain that to my mind, it would not be very different to her falling in love with someone who lives in another country and wanting to move in with them.
I dont think this analogy would work for her, the threats are nowhere near the same level.

Is she:
1) Going to a meeting every week where people tell her over and over, that lovers who live in other countries are more important to her than you?
2) Taking their advice on sex, religion, and finance, that is detrimental to you and your childrens goals as a family?
3) Taking their word on nigh-impossible happinings as being true? (if those friends told her one of them died, and then came alive 3 days later, and flew up into the sky, would you think these were good friends , and not a threat to her well-being? of course not, you'd think they were barmy and need locking up!)

4) ... etc, etc.

Shall I continue with the list????? I think you get the point that its hardly the same threat as the church.





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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
And just like it's possible to give up the either-or mindset when it comes to poly and start looking into opportunities of living in two countries or moving to a third country of choice or establishing a long-term LDR either way, also a mission calling can actually be lived through in many different ways in your home town, too.

I just feel that poly and religious life have in common the attitude of accepting that there are no guarantees.
Wait - I'm not guranteed to burn in hell without giving my life to jesus?

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Although most people intellectually know nothing in life is permanent and certain and immutable, most like to pretend that at least some parts of their life should be that way, if they only try hard enough.

Are there any other folks here who are religious (of any persuasion) but whose partner(s) are not?

I've probably offended a good few peple on here now. You may think I've belittled something thats really important to you, too. But to us on the outside of religion, it all just seems a load of superstitious nonsense, sorry.
(and Ive had a bit of a vent now, too, thanks for that !)

* I had a chat with a guy from the church when they were over at our house the other night, and I asked him "what is this god spoke to me nonsense? He phoned you up or what?" and then he said "god loves you! There - god just spoke to you!". Well, I nearly fell off my chair laughing ! so HE is god now? What an arrogant twat! Then I felt sad and thought "Oh dear, the pastor has got these people, my wife included, really nicely wrapped around his little finger. How can they beleive this nonsense? Oh wait, they believe that book without any evidence, so its probably not much of a stretch for the pastor to get them to beleive anything at all !" And then I was filled with fear, and still am - these people have a hold on my wifes mind, and its NOT good for our home life, and I'm up against a very very formidable enemy, indeed. (Basically, I'm f*cked, - church wins, end of)
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Last edited by bassman; 12-28-2011 at 08:36 AM. Reason: fixed spelling errors
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