Christmas - Negativities
To sum up why I am wide awake in the middle of the night: I am restless. Again. I tend to be like this around Christmas and I really don't like it. I can't find my inner peace and it takes away the joy I normally feel in everyday life. I had to get up after falling asleep early, during a really relaxing massage Sward was giving me, because I was constantly tossing and turning, unable to stay asleep peacefully. Oh, how I hate this. It's a feeling like I forgot something, something really important and I am unable to remember what it was, but I know that it needs to be done right away. If not, something really bad will happen. If anyone knows how to counter this, feel free to tell me, I really suck at dealing with it.
But, as I am awake and don't know what to do, I decided that I can give an overview on how things went over Christmas. To follow up with an older topic (weight stuff again): the demented grandmother of Sward as well as a mutual friend of us were eager to tell me that I really put on some weight. Great, tell me something I don't know already … I mean, the grandmother doesn't recognize her own grandchildren sometimes, doesn't know who Sward's sister is, because she tends to change her hair color from time to time, but she knows exactly that I have been more slender a year ago. The mutual friend was really drunk when he told me, that he would offer himself to me if I was ever in need of another man (long story, mainly around Lin, I will come to that later) but that I should loose some weight beforehand, I looked so much better some years ago. His personal moment of glory regarding consideration and sense of tact.
But well, all this wouldn't have resonated with me so well, if I hadn't been unsatisfied already. Something positive on that front: Sward needs to do his sports rehab at a local fitness center and I decided to finally stop lamenting about the status quo and do something about it. I have a trial session on Thursday and Lin will accompany me. He needs to get active again as well and we decided to start our training now.
Up next, the incidents around Christmas. As I am really moody at the moment, I will stick to the negative ones.
I got into an argument with my father. The last one of this kind happened some years ago and I was really dumbstruck when it hit me that he was still the inflexible, grumpy and highly egocentric person I tended to not get along with during my teenage years. We don't see each other much normally and I forgot how things were back then. Got a thorough brush up on that front. And I consider myself really lucky to have the opportunity to just leave nowadays if something like this happens. It doesn't make much sense to argue with him, I know that I am able to corner him quite soon (as a matter of course, he would never confess any faults), but I didn't wanted to create too much of a tense atmosphere, because my mother would have been the one to suffer the consequences.
The other argument, or better strong discussion I faced during Christmas, was initiated by said mutual friend I already mentioned above. He is our neighbor, Sward's best buddy and groomsman and really worried about his well being and the whole why-has-another-man-moved-in-with-you-business. But he has been too afraid to ask for the truth behind it up to now. And he only did (well in fact, he was never able to voice the spot on question, he got around the problem constantly) because he was dead drunk. We came together at a birthday party of another friend on the 25th and after a bottle of whiskey he was finally able to speak up. But he was still too afraid to talk to Sward and as he considered me to be the one in charge for any decision to be made, he confronted me.
I know that he was just worried. I know that something like poly relationship structure is so far off his radar that he isn't able to consider this an option even in this situation. His worries went in the direction of 'something happening between Lin and me along the way because we get along so well'. And me leaving Sward for the new one or damaging our relationship beyond repair. And I know that a couple he and his wife were close friends with faced a major life crisis because of an really unhealthy person they got involved with in a vee. (The live-in boyfriend of the wife abused their daughter and probably their son for years. Really ugly story that I was told that evening finally and so hard to believe as I knew them briefly as well.)
And as he is unable to wrap his mind around the whole business he lumps in all the negative possibilities at once without considering the actual persons involved or the given situation at hand. Obviously, it was futile to really try to explain what we are up to at that moment, therefore I told him that he has every right in the world to worry about a friend. We know each other since I was little, a whole nother bunch of complicated feelings on that front for him to face, as he seems to be attracted to me and unable to get this notion because I have been the little girl next door who sat in the sandbox with the hands up in the air, because I was afraid to get too dirty, who later on was so tall that she was able to get over the wooden lattice fence without opening the gate. He is a man in his mid-forties but quite young at heart.
Our friends tend to be older than we are, and in this case it seems to complicate the situation. What I got out of that evening was the strong conviction that the matter will take time. Lots of time actually. The only way to convince them that everything is fine and that we are happy is by showing them. They will not listen to explanations because they are unable to understand how this could be possible. *sigh* we will see …
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.