Its not just up to me
If I could have a kid right now, if I had someone who was going to be around an wanted to have a kid with me, I would do it, but F doesnt want one and John wont be around.
I am hoping I am pregnant and I think that if Im not its going to upset me, and its something Im not sure if I can handle or not. And I wont be able to go to F about it, and John will be gone.
How f'd up am I.
The good thing is John and I were having trouble reconnecting and we figured out what I problem was, quite simple actually. We were trying to fit ourselves into an old mold of what our relationship was "suppose" to be, instead of letting it be what it wants to be. We have to realize that we change and our relationship must change too
Im down at JOhn;s parents house for the week, and Im really missing home, and F and T and my friends and Im really upset about a lit of stuff, and I keep trying to remind myself that if I am pregnant and I want to keep the baby I need to be calm.
Ive been upset a lot lately, and I wonder if it is just my medicine or if im actually loosing control. Or I guess it doesnt matter why im loosing control, just that I am.
I want to curl up and sleep until the 4th. It would be best for me to not have to deal with anything until I can find out if Im pregnant or not. And I feel bad hoping that I am.
I want to have the can we please have kids talk with F, but I know its way too early for us to think that long term together. We are going to talk about getting handfasted in about two months, then I guess I can see about putting a time frame on children. I really want to be done with kids by the time Im 30. But I do want more. I know Ive got a few years, but still.
In my magical world of everything I want, Id either be pregnant now (best option) or F would be okay with us having a kid if it happened to happen. Not that I want to track and OPK and try to have a kid, but to be open to it happening. but I know we are a ways from that. I know Im not thinking right right now.
Im so messed up. I want to scream and I want to cry and i want to... I dont know. Something. Anything, nothing.
Im so stressed, cant be if Im wanting to be and stay pregnant. Maybe I shouldn't want to be, but now that its a real possibility Im hoping it is, that it happened. Maybe that makes me a bad person.