I have a honest question. ( I`m blunt, so there is the warning ahead of time, but I mean no harm, I just try to get to the root of things.)
The way you handle yourself confuses me. I see in you, someone who creates her own stress.
You are constantly searching for affirmation with this woman. I understand that this is just how you 'work'. However, this woman clearly has not been interested in making a solid relationship structure, commitment, etc., to you.
Yet, you let her (or want her) to tell you, what you are allowed to do at a swing club ? Are you doing this, because you want to feel some sense of 'belonging' to her, when she shows signs of not wanting to share you ?
You are your own person, and your interactions with others, should not be up for discussion at this point. Stop giving yourself away like this, and you will start feeling more control, and more relaxed.
The only thing you owe her, is to tell her any sexual partners you have had, before you have sex with her again, and to make sure to use protection.
I really see a oil and water scenario here, but I understand all to well, the struggle with this type of situation.
So I guess the best advice I could give, is to hope you would just live your life, and do what YOU want. If she wants to be a part of it, she will make the concessions to do so. Chasing her, ( which is what you are doing every time you ask or wonder about something that has already been discussed and left in the air...) will have the opposite result of what you want. Guaranteed.
If things being left in the air really drives you crazy, then KEEP LIVING LIFE ! No waiting. Let the relationship stand on its own merits, and sort itself out, however it is meant to be.