wrote a beautiful reply yesterday and no idea where it went
My sympathies on what you are going through. I tried to write you yesterday, but I don't know where that reply has gone... I shall try again.
When I read about your situation I felt so much empathy for you, I feel like your situation mirrors some of the things I have experienced over the last year. I was involved with a MFFM quad which was powerfully passionate and ended up brilliantly exploding. The relationship was lost due to each of us having issues leading to irreconcilable personality differences. One of the largest factors was the inherent instability of the other couple's marriage.
Star and Carter* gave Jute and I the impression that they had a stable happy open marriage initially, and by the time the cracks in their foundation showed up we were all desperately in love enough to try to rationalize them away. It's not that they intentionally mislead us... they didn't even realize how unhealthy their relationship even was. Without delving into the sordid details, the result was our quad falling apart.
They are divorcing. From what I can tell they get along better now than they ever did while married. Each of them has found another partner, and are seeking monogamy with their respective partners. Star has told me she feels like she was actually never polyamorous, rather she was just unhappy with her marriage and looking for something better. Jute is still trying to be friends with them both and I can see that causing him heartache. I am friendly with them but do not want them to be close in my life. I finally realized the drama was too unhealthy for me and I needed to take care of myself.
I would still be there for either of them in a heartbeat if they needed my help. I know exactly what you mean about being unable to 'un love' another. However my advice is to move them to the outer circle of your life, even as your heart is crying about the move. You need to take care of yourself and staying so close to the situation is tearing up your soul. You can't wait in limbo for potentially a lifetime to see if they resolve their issues. I think you should step back and consider what you've learned about yourself and relationships for a little bit. Throw yourself into a new activity or interest. Nurture some other relationships... your other friends and loved ones, family or new people you'd like to know. You don't have to date until you're ready. Personally I had to step out of relationships, including my marriage for a bit. Six months after the dust settled over the quad, I'm starting to explore a love match with someone who's been a friend for quite some time. Even now, I don't think if a brand new person entered my life I'd be ready to date them yet.
I wish you well with your endeavors. Have peace.
*all names changed for everyone's privacy
"Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step toward self-acceptance and self-love." The Ethical Slut pg 69, Dossie Easton and Janet W Hardy
Scarlet's Blog: http://scarletsredletters.blogspot.com/