Christmas is over and NOW we get snow! Figures... Oh, well. I still love snow so I will take it when it comes.
We are exchanging gives with F and M tonight, though, so I suppose it can still count as Christmas for me. I am once again having mixed feelings... F and I texted every day while she was gone (5 days), she told me she missed me, blah blah blah (I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean it wasn't real conversations it was just kind of checking in type stuff). I am just struggling with my urge to define
things. She seems so hesitant to discuss emotions or how we're going to handle possibly difficult situations that it worries me. I'm usually the one who avoids serious discussions so having a relationship with someone who is going to be like that is going to be hard.
In the near future (the next 2 weeks or so), Keith wants to go back to the swing club - F and M can't afford to go right now - so we will have to deal with how she wants me to behave when it comes to other women when she isn't around. I have told her I am fine with her doing whatever she is comfortable doing as long as I know there is the possibility of sex with someone else BEFORE the situation happens and as long as she tells me that it happened AFTER. I'm not sure if after our talks she is going to be ok with that for me or if she is still uncomfortable of me being with another woman at all unless she is present. This weekend we have New Years with my family, too. She knows my desire to be open (although I totally agree it is too early to require a 'coming out'), so I feel like that is something we are going to have to deal with if this is going to work.
My problem is that I fluctuate from being totally, completely happy with everything that is going on to questioning whether or not she even cares for me that much. It is totally ridiculous and I always feel bad for even thinking it, but the timing just seems so weird to me at times. She suddenly needs to tell me how she really feels (although the word love or girlfriend or anything that denotes a higher relationship has never been used) right when I could possibly be playing with another woman (or women). The ONLY thing that has changed is that we are more intimate (cuddling and checking in almost every day) AND that we have new stipulations on how to behave in potentially sexual situations. Were her deepening feelings the reason she told me at the time she did or was it simple jealousy over the situation possibly changing by F and M not being my ONLY playmates anymore?
I am still struggling with whether or not I am too needy for this situation. It made me feel great when she said she missed me on the second day of her trip. It made me feel like crap when - after I told her that it wasn't that long of a trip, but that I was so excited to see her - she comes back with 'it was over too soon.' I understand it was only 4 and a half days or so with her family and if I were her I would totally wish I could have spent more time there, but couldn't she have at least acted like she was looking forward to seeing me too?
Hopefully I will feel better after getting to hang out with them tonight. I'm going to try to convince M to take the Jeopardy contestant quiz with me in January so at least that's one thing to look forward to.